This song speaks for itself I guess. I returned home one evening a little too exhausted with it all.
Driven To It
With heartbeats rightly pressed against
What feels like the end.
Yes oh yes. Please God.
Do away with me.
Place me open full to the pain.
Their empty, patient wait for change
Has driven me insane.
This empty mind, this routine life has
Driven me insane.
Although it’s a small thing and only important to me, right now being able to spill my emotion in song is all that’s keeping the breath in me. It’s a little frightening for just how much I feel like my life is hanging onto it. Nothing is solved by it- I have no more worth than before a song is finished or after it’s heard (if ever heard at all), so it would make sense that when I run out of energy or the will to do this anymore, I will be gone or on the way.
I catch glimpses ever so often of how little my life makes sense to others. The job hopping over the years, full of hope one moment and drowning or begging to in the next…I can’t tolerate, just being at all. Lately it’s hurt having to tolerate with absolutely no response–even my own family couldn’t care enough to call or heaven forbid actually send me a letter of reply. Just one for the ten thousand I see now I’ve wasted my time sending. They must be laughing at the fool I am– one never worth the cost of a stamp.
This is so ugly of me. I can’t tolerate my own anger either, as I never could feel it was okay to have anger without also carrying all the guilt. I’m just losing every fight now it seems.
Well, choir practice starts again in another week. Although I might be closer to collapse, I’ll keep on until it happens.