Finally some new music to share. This is a poem I modified for the simple melody I was working with one day. There is one note I sing that makes me cringe a little when I listen, but over all I think it gets across the pain underlying something personal I’m talking about.
I’m sorry you didn’t know
I buried my wings long ago.
Your unexpected, over blessed
You should have let me die.
I’m not getting this thing right.
Now pieces of a painful break…
I’m sorry when you hug me
I am numb from skin to soul.
All these years have never been.
And I’ve nothing to show.
There is a break for a few weeks from choir activities which I have to be thankful for. Other than that, I’d much rather get out of occupying my life for a while. Get out of this skin and not have to be here worrying about how to maintain. If there were only a switch to flip…I think I’d be okay long term then. But the only thing I know is how usual it is for the best options to be totally out of my reach.
That’s the title of the Fall concert I performed two shows of with the MUSE Cincinnati Women’s choir. We all worked hard toward learning our music and the shows went incredibly well. I felt comfortable up there on the stage risers with the group. I’m grateful I didn’t give up my membership before letting the outcome of the effort come through. I’m slowly getting to know the women I sing with better and becoming more familiar with the inside communication/culture.
I’m still doing the full time thing at Goodwill. I may never again have a job that pertains to any of the education I’ve gotten over the years, and I’m fine with that. As long as I can continue creating and have an outlet to express by, I’ll get by for as long as I’m meant to. Being at a more adequate dosage of medication (200 mg of Imipramine) may be helping this along too, which at least helps put my mind better at ease.
Much more music to follow…
The last two weeks have been a strange mix of complications, guilt/self-hate, and worry. I’ll just bunch it up with saying I almost turned in a notice at my job and considered some finer details for what to do when I was finished holding onto hope. I’m being messed with along with my coworkers at work over things we can’t control. It all really shook me up and I thought I was going to be taken out of my position. And I couldn’t make it to an interview I really put faith in having meaning toward a change in these circumstances.
So, I feel like I’ve been over the edge and back again. Scaring myself and my poor mother more than I realized at the time. But things are looking up I think. She’s agreed to come to a session with me and talk to my therapist about her concerns. I hope it helps her to end the blame she tends to cast on him whenever I take a dark turn.
The good news of this week is I’ve completed several new songs I am very happy with. It’s funny how a short recording can make me feel like I accomplished something that is more important than what the truth is…Just small things extending my small life a few more quiet moments than it’s due.
Acrylic paints on black construction paper.
Below is the playlist for the seventh collection of original song recordings. Two or three were only given one (Noxious) or two takes due to the lack of free time I’ve had since beginning work again in July, but I’ve come a long way toward only needing a handful of recordings to have one I’m satisfied with keeping/sharing. This set has more positive moments than I would have expected before I began writing for it and I’m grateful to have reached those moments, even as the next collection already begins marking deeper lows. I still come away alive and for the near future, I’m going to accept that as being enough and leave some compassion for myself.
Lyrics are included for each song when viewed on the bandcamp page for this set: https://allysonmarie.bandcamp.com/album/the-seventh-2