To End.

 

I drew these, one each day during a week many months ago.

What a difference I feel from just last week. The choir I think is too much for me right now, but when I think of taking leave, there is nothing else. I’m accepting I will not get another job better than what I have. I’m accepting having no close relationships and being stuck in all the ways I am. And when hope that better change would eventually come along dies the way it has, I don’t want to go on.

My birthday is a month away. 25 on the 25th, and I thought for sure I’d be dead before I saw the day. I guess it would make sense though, to never develop more to my life — I was probably never meant to be here long enough to see that. I should have gotten rid of myself years ago before there was a chance to fool myself into believing this life could be recovered.

I feel repulsive. The self-punishment is never all it should be. Sometimes -I’d say most times- when you’ve fallen far enough behind, it’s best to stop the waste of energy on trying and let go. And in that case it seems silly to even consider what a “goodbye” would do or mean to anyone else.

I stopped truly knowing what I wanted for my time here long ago.

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6 Comments

Filed under Art, depression

6 responses to “To End.

  1. Allyson, just know that if you were not here, there are many more people than you will ever know, who would miss you and morn you for the rest of their lives. Nothing silly about it. Hope this desperate pain and despair lifts soon. Thinking of you.

    • Much love I send your way, Elena. I sought help for myself soon after this post. I need to make some changes and take certain chances to get to the point where I see light again. I am still learning and continue trying.

  2. Steven Fox

    That’s just the pain of the disease. Always going to have ups and downs but it’s carrying on that matters. You have to allow yourself the chance for relationships and appreciate the ones you have. It will turn around again. The wheel doesn’t stop spinning.

    • I wish this were “just” an easy pain I could take an aspirin for, but I’m not going to pretend it’s not pain that doesn’t have the potential to kill. And pardon me, but what relationships? I have no close friends and my family is so spread apart now it’s ridiculous. My being alive makes no difference to them, but I’m working to make it an importance of my own for once. To learn how to live for myself since there may never be anyone else. I wouldn’t be that lucky.

      • Steven Fox

        Could be wrong but you seem to be making assumptions what others may think and feel. I highly doubt your family doesn’t care even if you aren’t priority number 1. I can go on a long tangent about what I think and feel but in the end it’s up to you. We’ve talked off and on now for about 3 years. Are we BFF’s? No, but I do read and care. I’ve reached out and tried to get you an interview for a job. Even reached out like 6 weeks ago when I noticed things turning south. Also how long has Elena been here? Long before me. So people do care.

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