Monthly Archives: September 2014

To End.


I drew these, one each day during a week many months ago.

What a difference I feel from just last week. The choir I think is too much for me right now, but when I think of taking leave, there is nothing else. I’m accepting I will not get another job better than what I have. I’m accepting having no close relationships and being stuck in all the ways I am. And when hope that better change would eventually come along dies the way it has, I don’t want to go on.

My birthday is a month away. 25 on the 25th, and I thought for sure I’d be dead before I saw the day. I guess it would make sense though, to never develop more to my life — I was probably never meant to be here long enough to see that. I should have gotten rid of myself years ago before there was a chance to fool myself into believing this life could be recovered.

I feel repulsive. The self-punishment is never all it should be. Sometimes -I’d say most times- when you’ve fallen far enough behind, it’s best to stop the waste of energy on trying and let go. And in that case it seems silly to even consider what a “goodbye” would do or mean to anyone else.

I stopped truly knowing what I wanted for my time here long ago.



Filed under Art, depression

Words in return…

A rose I painted on a wooden keepsake box.

In Return

There, the letter rests unread.
A few more days, I’ll surely say.
Forever finds its ways, I say.

And surely, my words for you will die.
And the deep betrayal I feel for you inside
Will dream of you in tears of dark blood red.

And there
The letter rests.

I am making it a priority this weekend to paint. The past few weeks have been so busy and I feel like I’ve lost my voice and say throughout it all. Withering. That’s how it will end though. All there is is how I feel and if that doesn’t change, there really isn’t any hope. However it happens, I keep myself buried.

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I went to the all day member retreat with the choir I’ve recently been accepted to. It was my first time seeing everyone together and how I was received was so unexpected. Hugs and kisses on the cheek and genuine smiles and excitement. I can tell it was genuine because I spent most of my time trying to maintain one that wasn’t…I’m dealing with stuffy sinuses and a hazy mental feeling from my medication dose increase that’s still not fully complete. And despite having shown up for this outing with the group, I was still testing the waters and undecided if the commitment was one for me. But once the chatting was over with and we finally began rehearsing I felt a little more at home. It brought back memories of years ago in the school chorus. Feeling part of a strong group creating one full and powerful voice.

The women in this choir, or “sisters” as they’ve come to call one another, all have their own stories and I shared a little of mine with touching upon the reasons I decided to join. Keeping myself from isolation, being mindful of how important a sense of belonging is to me and sustaining mental health overall (not these exact words, but the general idea). I had to eventually admit the whole group setting and finding my place within was difficult and very much not what I’m used to. I’m introverted and hardly remember how safe it felt having a good friend to confide in. Opening myself up to others always takes longer than I have patience for, but it’s my task right now.

I’m hoping I can direct my energy toward learning our music and preparing for the fall concerts in November. Monday will be my first of the weekly rehearsals and depending on how it goes, it should be that way for some weeks ahead. With 40hrs of work, with weekly bowling on the league my mother talked me into joining with her every Thursday, and with continuing therapy, my art and my own music…Somehow I’ll find time for it all.

The NYC tour I took was very exhausting, but great for what it costs me. I would never imagine the opportunity to do and see so much for under $1000. I’ll have pictures to share soon. I already miss the routine of getting up and setting out across the bridge from New Jersey into the heart of the city. And the Broadway show of The Phantom of the Opera last Friday was unforgettable. For all the unexpected stress I dealt with those five days, I would do it all over again just to see that show one more time…lol

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Of wellness.

This is the latest painting I did at the request and as a small tribute to my Great Aunt Francis. She used to be a clinical dietician and has always been mindful of healthy eating habits/exercising. She is nearing her 80’s if not already past it and she is still quite active, participating in walks in several different cities. I shared with her in a letter how much I appreciated the help she gave me several years ago on a high school honors project I ended up doing well on. And I also let her in on the management of my own health (mental) which I’ve never spoken much at all about to extended relatives. She’s inspiring in her own special ways and I wanted to surprise her with this, held within a green painted frame. I’m sure she probably thought when she asked me for a painting, I would kick it to the back of mind, but I let her know I didn’t forget.

Off to NYC tomorrow and into Friday. I’ll be back Tuesday evening. IT certainly helps to say I’m leaving this city after having a very good interview earlier this morning. I’m keeping spirits up.

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