There is always more to go wrong. This morning a back tooth chipped right off after I put some gum in my mouth. So unlike saving my latest paycheck as I’d planned, I’ll have to spend it on a filling or crown. I haven’t been to the dentist in over three years, btw. I don’t have dental insurance and never had the extra money to spend on those routine exams.
I intended to call my therapist to schedule something for next week, too. But I got around to it late and will have to wait. By then I expect to have given in to what I know won’t solve a thing, but will make me feel better in the moments as I wait. The pressure has been overwhelming and with no one to talk to for even just distraction has left me barely able to contain the emotion when it matters most: while at work and confronting others day to day. It’s either allow myself to shed the tears that well up at any moment they choose, or distract my self with pain of some sort.
What trouble would it be to anyone if I just weren’t here anymore? Others are all wrapped up in the lives of those who matter more to them, for which I have never been included. And I am indeed tired of thinking these thoughts. I am tired of fighting them.