Monthly Archives: August 2014

To see about what’s next.

You know I had to just try out the a capella piece I used in my audition with piano sooner or later…lol This recording was spontaneously improvised and was before I made slight changes to the lyrics.

So I went to the new member orientation last weekend and got a better feel for the type of group/organization this choir is. They ask a lot of their members and I’m willing to give what I can in time and volunteering for certain things, as long as I feel like I’m not wasting my energy. I only want to sing and if this weren’t the only women’s choir in the city I could have auditioned for, I would have sought others and continued to look for a good fit for me. But I have to take the opportunities as they come.

I’ve told them I’ll have to miss the first rehearsal due to my NYC trip, so the next event will be a Saturday retreat get together on the 13th at a location I’ve never been to. Once all of this is out of they way, I’ll have to show up every Monday for rehearsal and pray I’m ready for November’s concerts…

Of course, I think of all these demands and wonder if it’s not better to ditch the whole thing and just find a guitarist willing to put up with me to work on material. Maybe even trying out an open mic performance somewhere…Either way, my increased dosage of my meds I hope means I’ll regain the nerve to go beyond my limits. Time is never going to stand still and wait for me.

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Hope Exists

This is something I wrote after having a childhood memory. The 3rd & 4th sections are what I used as my audition piece this past Saturday for the MUSE women’s choir.

For You to Live (MP3 Final version –http://po.st/SooWRa)

The scene after the fall
So long ago I saw.
A child I was all.

And dimly glows the promise
For all the hope that could exist
And ever since. Ever since…

You will leave me and how I fear
How I know I won’t make it here.
So small I am in my need.
By only you do I breathe.

Please hear me!
Everything I am with,
My heartbeat, my soul I would give
Anything for you to live.

The whole thing took about 15 minutes. At the end when I was to sing my prepared piece, I thought for a split moment how foolish I might look, possibly being the only person to show up with a song they personally wrote. But I sang it with as much strength and steadiness I could gather for those short moments and got through the piece without forgetting a word or cracking my voice. Later that afternoon I get a voice message saying I’d been accepted :) They were undecided about whether I was for the Soprano 2 section or the Alto 1 section, but during my audition I said I was previously placed as an Alto 1 back in the school chorus. My range was just heard a lot wider than even I expected that day.

I can’t believe I actually followed through…lol. Even a day or two before the audition I considered cancelling due to the stress I’ve been feeling. I didn’t think I was up to faking that everything was alright, but luckily I was in a decent mood audition day. I actually shared about my reasons for songwriting and about how it’s helped me cope with my recurrent depression over the years. They didn’t shun me for any of it and when I finished my piece, by the look on their faces I think they appreciated what I’d shared a bit more for hearing it themselves.

Work again for the next two weeks before the NYC trip. I just sent word to one of the choir leaders that I will have to miss the first rehearsal night for being out of town. I said I understood if it meant I was now not allowed to continue, but also that I’d work even harder to stay caught up. I know how bad it looks to be new and miss such an important rehearsal as the first, but I hope some arrangement can be made. If not, I’ve lost nothing for trying and have gained confidence that I can hold my own when it matters.

I’ve also increased my meds. So much change will hit me one way or another and I can’t allow it to throw me so far off as I know it can. Doing all I can to prevent disaster…

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“The mending isn’t real.”

There is always more to go wrong. This morning a back tooth chipped right off after I put some gum in my mouth. So unlike saving my latest paycheck as I’d planned, I’ll have to spend it on a filling or crown. I haven’t been to the dentist in over three years, btw. I don’t have dental insurance and never had the extra money to spend on those routine exams.

I intended to call my therapist to schedule something for next week, too. But I got around to it late and will have to wait. By then I expect to have given in to what I know won’t solve a thing, but will make me feel better in the moments as I wait. The pressure has been overwhelming and with no one to talk to for even just distraction has left me barely able to contain the emotion when it matters most: while at work and confronting others day to day.  It’s either allow myself to shed the tears that well up at any moment they choose, or distract my self with pain of some sort.

What trouble would it be to anyone if I just weren’t here anymore? Others are all wrapped up in the lives of those who matter more to them, for which I have never been included. And I am indeed tired of thinking these thoughts. I am tired of fighting them.

 

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“Though your heart is breaking…”

This is a semi-hard pastel drawing on a burlap panel piece I bought on clearance weeks ago. I glued in shredded sheet music here and there. My own version of a flower I’ve seen including that.

I am still working full time. I’ve had two interviews– the one last week was a bust, but the other (of which I had to leave early today to complete) was more promising.

Apart from these decent happenings, I nearly broke down in front of my mother mid-week as I prepared for another long day at work and the last interview. I blatantly told her I felt  very lonely and so tired of starting over. Sure, it’s nothing she or anyone else can solve, but up to that point I always felt too pathetic to admit how much loneliness has affected me. Even to my therapist, whom I’ve gone another month without speaking to. Apart from the letter I sent with my apology to him for the last session, I feel shameful and not yet ready/willing to open up again with discussion. A small set back I’m trying to pull through I guess.

I have my audition to look forward to, and the bus trip to NYC I’m taking in September with my mother I’m still excited to reach. Just keeping in mind that I do indeed have to stay alive to meet those moments. I just need to show up.

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