Monthly Archives: March 2014

So soon to pass…

I cannot wait to see life again outside. I really miss trees with their leaves and the flowers in bloom…

Below is the finished project I mentioned weeks ago about working on. It’s been done for a while but I still have no title for it and I’m considering it as another piece to bring with me to the Art Walk I’m attending in May.

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Although it’s a month away, I have most of my work framed and priced as I work on other small crafts to include at my table. I will admit this preparation has been a great distraction from my anxiety about class beginning this Tuesday. I have my books and I’m prepared to throw myself into hours of study and reading. I just hope my changing moods don’t cause too much of a stir. Change in any sense can be a trigger for me, so I’m trying to remain mindful and listen to my thoughts.

The final NAMI Peer-to-Peer class is Monday evening and I’m already feeling as if I’m losing people close to me. I know the feeling is out of reach from what I’m actually aware of in not being terribly close to anyone in truth, but there is an attachment and a familiarity I know I’ll deeply miss. I felt safe with the group and welcomed. The world outside has not been so kind and I don’t want to return to that isolation.

So I will just have to keep reaching out.

More music and video clips on the way….

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The Failed Result.

I ruined this piece and prefer the sketch over the mess I turned it into with trying to add shades. At least I worked out the misplaced energy through working on this. It’s a sacrifice for what I hope is better work now in progress. But with that said, I look at this and understand what I needed to say and have said before. What is on the inside will always find its way out, no matter how high one might try to hold themselves in front of others. Sometimes it makes things easier if I consider everyone might just be seeing right through me.

Five watercolors and one acrylic have been framed for what I’ll be showing at the Essex ArtWalk in May. Once I put a piece in a frame it seems to make it instantly more difficult to think of parting ways with…lol I hope I do though. It would be a first and one I’m excited to move past.

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Far From

A recent watercolor using left over color on an old palette. 

I will be starting classes for Medical Coding on the first of April. Taking another chance with school in order to try and get a better job. Even though I have little expectation for the difference it will actually make, I have to do something besides keep myself chained to a miserable dead end job and expect to survive.

In the mean time, art and music will do. I’m loosening up and accepting certain things about myself that I think I’ve been avoiding due to shame and lack of trust. More to discuss in next weeks session…It’s been a very long month away.

The poem below hints at the issue.

Of Faith

They might see and
They may love,
But I will never be quite so sure
The honesty it is made of –

For what then allows my
Shadows to let up?
Can I trust the fill of air
From moments so easy to breathe?
Can I trust the fill of faith
I will be met with all I need?

I’ve worn many faces and not one
Ever taught my soul to dream.
And although I drift among my ghosts,
Their whispers I’ve yet to heed.

Although I drift among my ghosts,
I’m far from all fears and grief.

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Hanging on.

Watered down acrylics…I was so hesitant with every decision I made for this painting. Normally I would give up and wait until I felt less of a need to control and perfect things, but I needed to show something for my time and kept at it no matter the hours wasted.

This recorded poem song was a surprise. I really enjoyed playing/singing without feeling the distress so intensely shape the outcome. Unlike today where I was left physically and emotionally exhausted, and still didn’t get the result I’d been working for…lol Next time I guess.

When Halfway Up

You don’t leave what you love hanging
Broken on a string.

Hanged and halfway,
Haunting the between gray.

I have sought so many ways
To let you know I’m here.
To see the side you’ve yet to see,
True version of me, clear.

Away from the guarantee that I
Mean to you in need.

The soul I am when risen
Without fear.

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