One and two…

Works in progress. I have been in a real slump lately and wanted to share what exists now. Nothing is promised to be finished soon with the clutter in my head.

I had a therapy session this week after a three week absence. The doctor remembered me. It wasn’t until later that afternoon I realized how important that really meant to me. I don’t feel like I have a location in anyone’s memory, nor their future plans or heart in any certain way. And lately I recognize just how exhausted I am trying to choose over decisions I don’t care to make. Living is a choice and along with that comes the whole tangle of unfulfilled needs and effort given blindly, here and there, on and on just until. No guarantees.

I never wanted to feel hate towards living in this world. I never wanted my mind to cause so much distress to the point of losing my way all together. Of course I’m losing time, but I honestly never had much to begin with. One mistake might just have been all it took. Everything after is throw away. It could be just as true as anything else we’re told we should or shouldn’t hope for.

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4 Comments

Filed under Life

4 responses to “One and two…

  1. well aside from the existential malaise, isnt there a reachable goal that would make you happier?

    and you say you never wanted your “mind” to cause so much distress. Your “mind” is not you. So i think you freudianly hinted that it is a quirk of your mind causing the problem, and not all circumstance and human condition.

    And everyone has a “tangle of unfulfilled needs and effort given blindly” but there are people that love life and are truly happy. So why not you? If you’re here you may as well be happy, but it will take effort and uncertainty.

    • I know these things, Brian…I feel like you’re accusing me for feeling as I do. I know there are plenty of people who are worse off and still manage to love the hell out of life. That has never made a difference to my personal experience/perspective. It’s never prevented me from relapsing into depression or made me believe I even deserve the rest of my time here. It leads me to feel a worse shame for how little I’ve done with my life and guilt for being such a disappointment. Now even to you apparently. I don’t and haven’t tried hard enough for happiness and I probably never will.

  2. Sorry, i thought maybe a blunt jolt could help change your perspective. You have great artwork, are there any juried art competitions near you? that could help set some goals, maybe meet some new people?

  3. Hi Allyson! Let me assure you that you are definitely memorable, as a talented, smart, articulate young woman. If I might be so bold, I also suspect that you are coping with a confusing biochemistry and are expressing through your wonderful art, what is going on inside. Let me also tell you that I LOvE the new drawings. The first especially! There is so much expression that it’s completely compelling.

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