Mid-morning January wind.
You feel this as your bit of life
So fragile in its grief,
The loneliness of sin…
Thrust into the awfulness of day
Wishing the end might be sooner to come.
To leave the rest behind as ruin.
For too open a mind – so undone,
There was never a faithful dream and
There is no belief in love.
Regular recording: http://www.official.fm/tracks/9AUh
My voice isn’t as deep as I intended in the video, but the recording is correct.
There’s a lot to tell. Stopping to write it out will come along soon enough. Monday will mark the 6th meeting of 10 for the NAMI peer to peer class. I’m going to miss the group once this is through. Despite how long it’s taken me to relax and speak up around them, I do make the effort.
Works in progress. I have been in a real slump lately and wanted to share what exists now. Nothing is promised to be finished soon with the clutter in my head.
I had a therapy session this week after a three week absence. The doctor remembered me. It wasn’t until later that afternoon I realized how important that really meant to me. I don’t feel like I have a location in anyone’s memory, nor their future plans or heart in any certain way. And lately I recognize just how exhausted I am trying to choose over decisions I don’t care to make. Living is a choice and along with that comes the whole tangle of unfulfilled needs and effort given blindly, here and there, on and on just until. No guarantees.
I never wanted to feel hate towards living in this world. I never wanted my mind to cause so much distress to the point of losing my way all together. Of course I’m losing time, but I honestly never had much to begin with. One mistake might just have been all it took. Everything after is throw away. It could be just as true as anything else we’re told we should or shouldn’t hope for.
This is something new I’ve been working on. It’s a small cardboard form I picked up at a craft store. I wanted to practice with it before moving on to a larger body form I’ve had sitting around blank for too long. I’m going to clear coat it then find something to prop it up on and maybe bring it to an art walk/craft show I’m considering registering for this coming May.
I’ve really been enjoying the new music I’m spending time on. Now I’m on the search for someone to share them with. Someone who might have art of their own to share. Art helps inspire and create more art and maybe I’ll find myself in a better way with others somehow…Safe from isolation.
This is a framed print I picked up back in the summer at Goodwill thrift store, around the time I ended my job working there full time. I painted the wood frame gold with a black finish and then touched up the print itself with a bit of black.
Something about the stare on the woman’s face really drew me in. Just the picture overall makes it seem to me she’s there but not with much desire to be. Dressed in very fancy clothes and part of a display she may not believe she really belongs to or wants to be a part of in that moment. I’m interested to know who this could be a picture of though. Maybe it’s a famous portrait and I just have no idea…lol.
This week was difficult. My symptoms came through to an unexpected degree. Hopelessness paired with a strong sense of isolation are a terrible mix to cope with. I feel the need to start over and destroy what’s been created/established just to regain control somehow. Luckily I didn’t do anything impulsive, but I am taking a break from my vocal lessons. I’ve had two and had to cancel last week–I felt guilty about keeping a weekly time with my instructor without much of a goal in mind. Working on my performance is still important to me, but there are no plans or direction at the moment. Until I have something more in mind I think I’ll just save up my money and start again when a decision is made. Maybe for an audition or something in the future…
I will continue practicing what I have learned as well. I’m very grateful for that and the patience I was given to actually show what I can do without fear. Opportunities will grow from the experience.