Monthly Archives: October 2013

Look in, look up and look out…

Today I am 24. My older brother called from Florida to wish me a happy birthday this morning, which has never happened. I was brought up not to think of a birthday as a big thing deserving of much acknowledgement at all, so I never expect others to even remember. It’s personal and all I do is reflect on how differently my circumstances are from the year before at this time. Wondering if I’ve done well or worse, if I mean more or mean less to others…I still feel the weight for knowing I used to never think I would have lived on to this point.

Just some thoughts. I’m okay and at peace right now and that means everything I need it to.  Here above is part of an entry from my art journal that I do still add to whenever I think of it. And below is one of the first watercolor practice pieces, weeks old now. I look forward to time soon to work on something more.

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Dreaming of the sky.

Below is a video clip from when this song was still a work in progress (sorry for my volume). I just think spoken, the meaning may be better understood versus how I actually sing the lines. I get the feeling I come across as very confusing and I hope to be clearer moving forward. On My Videos page here there is another clip of this lyric portion a-capella.

And here is the final version with piano…

More Than Willing

Breathless and without motion,
I am taken alive. My head is
Lifted toward the light and
Every inch inside is with a
Dreaming of the sky.

Now there is no such thing as time.
There is no reason to worry and
From nothing must I hide
When this close to the soul,

When this far from the ghost
And all I’ve known of empty,
Living in loss.
This time those awful promises
Bleed of me no cost.
The pain and end to everything
Will not be made my fault.

When this close to soul
The settled path need not show,
A forward wind need not blow
As I’m more than willing to let go.

When this close
I am home.

This poem was written after I thought of how safe and at peace with being alive I felt just walking in the sunshine one afternoon. I miss being able to hold on, to anything safe at all from what my life is. Something is happening and it seems only a matter of time before I split apart.

Things aren’t well, but they never really are so I’m going to stay quiet, try to be mindful and wait it out the best I can.

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Not what it seems.

 This is left over from when I was finger painting (most of the background work) and then throwing in a few brush strokes, an unplanned mess.

After a week feeling a strange anger toward my therapist and more intensely toward myself, I spent the last seven days leveling into a sadness and acceptance that I don’t think I could have managed further on without finally establishing. I may hate the circumstances I’m in, but I cannot keep skipping around with different ideas to act on all in the attempt to avoid more pain and feeling trapped in a worse way. I can tolerate what I’m stuck doing at this point, and as long as I’m not treated any worse at work, I’ll be okay for a few months or more if that’s the sentence I’m given…

Here are two more recent songs, one is the complete version of an earlier video clip I shared here and the other is also a complete recording from a poem I’d posted while it was still in progress.

The 1st:

I Forgive You

The shield has worn of its kindness
And hope is torn from its blindness.
Every face you see – my every identity
Soon buried and blessed,
My very best, soon laid to rest.

I won’t wait for you, my sister.
I won’t wait like the fool.
The patience of you made sure
You’ll never move.
You will never do what must be done.
The fear must be overcome.

And I forgive you, mother –
I forgive you and the other,
But don’t waste my time –
Don’t think you can change my mind.
Your love is the reason why I would
Rather die than to trust my heart
To anyone.

But for you, not even
Blood was enough to stay.
Your screams will not save you
From the nightmare,

From my nightmare
There is no escape.

And the 2nd:

I remember someone once commenting that my songs with piano were grating, both of which these probably fall into being as well, but I’m okay with it. I won’t attempt singing these again anyway for the trouble I had following my notes…lol I had fun though.

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From Healing to Certain Hell.

This painting took too long to finish for my lack of energy with the details, but I’m glad I finally have the idea complete.

Lead Us To

Okay, you’ve gotten a peak.
There is something diseased
Beneath its mild and sweetly lit smile,
Barring teeth.
You know now not to speak.

Already robbed of energy –
We try to keep up pace
But today she is resistant toward me
And our obligation
To bend and lift then bend again,
Hating we’re here and with hope for
Only how all ends and when…

I don’t know where I fit
And her color changes from
Healing to certain hell,
Wishing us and all the rest be dead.

The only help of use at this phase
Would lead to and through
Our dying days.

I think my co-worker is a little uneasy with me. I let my frustration show a lot more than I thought was actually getting across, even though I tried to hide my anger the best I could. This week was so up and down…I don’t trust myself to make any decision when it’s so easy for my motivations to be swayed by how I’m feeling at any given minute. It’s difficult to sift through what I truly want from what my emotions lead me to think. My voice I don’t trust is my own.

I’m considering school again. Going back and taking classes to earn a certificate, but I can’t settle on what to take quite yet. Something that will develop my skills toward a profession I think I can live with. Doesn’t have to have anything to do with art, since I’ll never give that up no matter what I do for money, but just something I can better tolerate than what I continue to throw myself into now job to job…trading one type of hell for another.

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