Monthly Archives: September 2013

This & that.

A clip recorded about three weeks ago…I hate it but can’t let myself hide anymore. I just had a nervous moment where my words got lost trying to talk about the crafts I was working on. I’ll try to explain myself better next time, if I can ever get more comfortable speaking in front of the camera.

The shrug below is the first I tried to sew together (the underside is a mess of string…lol). I painted first then tried to shape it as best I could without cutting.

And this is my wall after I redecorated it back in July. The small framed canvas at the center near the top isn’t mine but one I bought for $5 at an antique store that caught my eye.

Probably too much to share at once, but I need a distraction. I’ve been having real distress over what I’m going to do about my future employment, but I had a helpful session today. I need to go in a direction that is a real commitment I don’t easily lose faith in. All options have to be open.

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Once Overcome

These are both recent watercolor paintings. I know the point of using watercolor is its translucent/transparent quality and I pretty much disregarded any rules, but I thought I may learn to like working with it better if I could create something I didn’t all together hate. I had to get through the frustration watercolor causes me and have a little fun at the expense of attention toward developing perfect skills. So anyway, these were fun.

This first week of work (thank God I only go part time) truly tested me. The grip over my social anxiety has definitely improved as I didn’t panic and run when I encountered customers with questions. And I get along great with my department team mate.

But I also realize during the moments I was overwhelmed with stress, the familiar life/death, all or nothing set up took over my mind. I realize I’ve come to consider myself just as disposable as these jobs begin to feel the instant I’m made aware that all isn’t and won’t be the way I’d expected. Disappointment throws me far back still, especially when my own expectations are the true cause.

Just waiting for another day where I’m honestly happy to wake up and live again.

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Just Us

A mixed media piece from over the summer.

I’ve had my second day on the job and have come up against the same challenges of every new start I have to work through. I worry and think far too much about simple tasks and end up “thinking” my way out of every opportunity, due to the stress those intense thoughts give me. But I understand better now that this is part of the illness. Right along with the unexplainable fear always running beneath the surface–I just can’t relax.

Anyway, I’m giving this job a week to see how it goes. The first day my team mate and I were basically left to fend for ourselves since our trainer has been sent to another new store for the week. Both of us just deal with the quirks in our equipment, mistakes we make, customers and our inability to really help them since we need such help ourselves…lol We just laugh. I’m trying my best not to take this retail thing so seriously the way I do every task I throw myself into…it’s going to kill me.

Below is a short clip I recorded before actually completing these lyrics. I’ll share the full song soon. By the way, they aren’t about my mother in particular, but I wrote the rest of the lyrics with my extended family in mind regarding something unfortunate that happened that is still impacting everyone involved.

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Failure, shame and surprise.

Flowers I painted for my mother recently. Finger painted background.

The last week has been one of the craziest (well, I’ve just felt the craziest).

I ended up applying for a part time, back of house retail job yesterday afternoon and was called for an interview that night. I scheduled it for this morning and I was actually hired on the spot after the interview.

I was on the edge Thursday from so much stress – my failure with the watercolor class (cutting a bad story short, I won’t be back) going almost another week without one phone call regarding any of my applications or interviews- and feeling painfully isolated. Yet now I have something to hold onto right when I needed it…I’m probably being foolish but with happenings like this it makes me wonder if I’m not being kept around, kept alive, for some hidden reason. I’m truly grateful, but I feel like I don’t deserve any of this to be– when things actually work out in my favor, you know?

The manager said she liked me. She noted how I dressed for my interview, brought a resume, was well spoken, seemed driven (and I never lied once while I spoke)…I’ve never been told things like that in an interview and was shocked she said she wanted to go on and hire me. I’m still processing the whole thing and I apologize for being all over the place, but I feel some hope again. I feel safe to keep a bit of faith that I might just be alright for a while.

I really do want that.

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Beginning

A finger painting meant to be a new version of an old finger painting I did when I was around 11, posted sometime back here.

Another finger painting I had some fun with.

“To resurrect in the flames of death and find your own way out”– This is my second crayon piece drawn left handed. 

The first class was last night. Only half of those registered showed up (three out of six) and I’m not sure if they’ll cancel us before next week or not, but I’ve already learned some valuable information as we worked on simple color wheels–which stressed me out enough to realize what my challenges really are and just why I wanted to take this class. You need patience to control and work with this medium. I can definitely appreciate moments that show me clearly where I need more self discipline.

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Every Heart

“Every heart in my hands, like a pale reflection”–What You Want Lyrics

A left hand painting using a brush and left hand prints. Nothing I planned, I just went with it…

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