Below is the last portion of a poem I wrote. I sang it with piano several weeks ago, trying to get my grip again and move on.
“The desperate moment we are given a taste…
The beauty of that aged ache soullessness creates.
A glimpse past the disadvantage of human eyes –
Bridged finally within mind,
Punishment and promise defined.”
So there is news. I gave my notice last Friday and am in the middle of my final week. Two months by anyone’s opinion is awful, but I gave it a shot. I’m not physically well enough to sustain much longer – full time this way is becoming intolerable – but I feel less self hatred this time around for choosing to part ways. There’s nothing I’m afraid of or particularly running from. And the pressure of others always in my head has disappeared now that the decision is made. The panic I felt about having to stay, having to make it work, or else I couldn’t live…it won’t do. Fitting into anything I’m clearly incompatible with is what has wasted the most of my time, on earth actually. My entire life, one big waste of worry and self inflicted hurts.
I don’t care what happens next. If I get my strength back maybe it will be enough to dream past all I thought I was supposed to do and be- let it go and never look toward that for meaning and worth ever again.