Defined

 A self-portrait.

Below is the last portion of a poem I wrote. I sang it with piano several weeks ago, trying to get my grip again and move on.

The desperate moment we are given a taste…
The beauty of that aged ache soullessness creates.
A glimpse past the disadvantage of human eyes –
Bridged finally within mind,

Punishment and promise defined.”

So there is news. I gave my notice last Friday and am in the middle of my final week. Two months by anyone’s opinion is awful, but I gave it a shot. I’m not physically well enough to sustain much longer – full time this way is becoming intolerable – but I feel less self hatred this time around for choosing to part ways. There’s nothing I’m afraid of or particularly running from. And the pressure of others always in my head has disappeared now that the decision is made. The panic I felt about having to stay, having to make it work, or else I couldn’t live…it won’t do. Fitting into anything I’m clearly incompatible with is what has wasted the most of my time, on earth actually. My entire life, one big waste of worry and self inflicted hurts.

I don’t care what happens next. If I get my strength back maybe it will be enough to dream past all I thought I was supposed to do and be- let it go and never look toward that for meaning and worth ever again.

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4 Comments

Filed under Life

4 responses to “Defined

  1. It is so FRUSTRATING to know what you WANT and are MEANT to do and to not get the chance to immerse yourself in it! I understand in part but I don’t have as intense a drive as you do. I do poetry when I can, sing when I have a few minutes, otherwise 99% of my day is drab tasks that I hate. Some of that is my attitude. But cat litter doesn’t feed my soul…LOL

  2. I like your self-portrait. Is it recent or an older piece?
    I know the feeling of relief when you’ve made the decisive step. Good for you!
    .
    Technical note: posts with more than 12 tags are excluded from the WordPress topic reader, though your followers can still see the posts in “Blogs I Follow”.

    • Thank you. The portrait is new. I didn’t know that about the tags and didn’t care before but thanks for the information. I know I don’t get things right here or anywhere else. Guess I’m lucky the majority of people passing through this blog say nothing…lol Have a good end to the week.

  3. I just LOVE the self-portrait. You’ll find something more suitable. I once left a job after one day, and I’m glad today that I did.

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