An underwater painting I’ve recently finished. Couldn’t get it perfect, but I learned a lot. Strange things have been happening, but I’m trying not to worry or act impulsively. Fear leads me to do awful things.
Someone has apparently reported my music account on another site for ‘copyright infringement’ and my uploads are being threatened. I always mention the artists of every song I do a cover of and most of those are clips, not the full song. And every single track on this blog and online I have is offered to anyone for free… I’m waiting now to hear back, but with my luck I’ll probably be silenced all together. I don’t understand people. I’ve never wanted a damn thing except a place of my own to share what I do.
Maybe it’s time to start over.
“When the knife reaches bone, your life must change.”
– Rumi:Bridge to the Soul pg.49
This painting has a spray painted background. I wanted to work in a way I never have before.
One week unemployed and I’ve already got an interview this coming Monday. I’m not saying there is nothing to worry about, but I am realizing nothing will be exactly as I’ve known before and I’m not allowing fear to run me off before I have a chance to gather a plan and rely on my own skills. That those skills may be enough to get me through safely if not actually better off.
Family has been in town. I’ve had some new experiences and despite the heavy moods that grip me unexpectedly from time to time, I’m coping with the transition well. I’ve tried and will just keep trying.
Below is the last portion of a poem I wrote. I sang it with piano several weeks ago, trying to get my grip again and move on.
“The desperate moment we are given a taste…
The beauty of that aged ache soullessness creates.
A glimpse past the disadvantage of human eyes –
Bridged finally within mind,
Punishment and promise defined.”
So there is news. I gave my notice last Friday and am in the middle of my final week. Two months by anyone’s opinion is awful, but I gave it a shot. I’m not physically well enough to sustain much longer – full time this way is becoming intolerable – but I feel less self hatred this time around for choosing to part ways. There’s nothing I’m afraid of or particularly running from. And the pressure of others always in my head has disappeared now that the decision is made. The panic I felt about having to stay, having to make it work, or else I couldn’t live…it won’t do. Fitting into anything I’m clearly incompatible with is what has wasted the most of my time, on earth actually. My entire life, one big waste of worry and self inflicted hurts.
I don’t care what happens next. If I get my strength back maybe it will be enough to dream past all I thought I was supposed to do and be- let it go and never look toward that for meaning and worth ever again.
This sketch is one from the early first weeks at my job, representing the way each passing hour felt and just having to accept nothing more could be done.
The song below is one of the last I worked on before full time employment took over and I had to drop all plans. At least it’s left a good memory with me for how I could find ways to recover and better understand certain emotions. It’s not all simply out of my hands.
Self I hate,
I am to be always at blame.
There are no innocent mistakes…
I could not be without my shame.
Has the end come?
Has it really happened?
Have we heard our lesson?
Please tell me, have we learned?
At step one with nothing to follow next
Where everything erases, everyday resets.
Unseen progress by experience
You’ve forced me to forget
The quiet ache;
You’ll not explain my regret.