I couldn’t have asked for a better opportunity than the one I’m trying to maintain now. Full time, a job where I work by myself for the most part…and apart from the heavy lifting, I have a good handle on everything I do.
So why is this becoming a placement I can’t imagine surviving? Why does everything I want become something I end up hating? Makes me believe I can’t trust anything I may want ever again. I don’t want to invite more pain, but in trying to avoid it I seem to run right into it. And when that’s not happening, I’m punishing myself for not feeling as I should – as I believe others expect I should feel – about what I have and how much worse things could be.
And when all is settled, the only thing I want and need too much is to be told I’ve done well. Everyone else has a power over me, and it will be that way until I stop acting as if it’s truly possible for me to be close to others now or thought of as more than disposable and useless in my own mind.
I’ll always have to have something to give you to be anything to you.