This is a painting I did the first weekend after working at my new job. I didn’t think I’d have the energy to begin anything and see it through, but I’m glad I gave the time. As frustrating as painting without a plan can be for me, this time it was a relief not knowing what to expect. That’s rare. It’s now an image to go with a song I’d finished recording only days before my first day as a new employee. I wrote these lyrics as I considered my reaction if I had been offered a position (not knowing I would be soon after)- if I would say no and feel scared or great regret for even bothering again, or if I’d say yes and feel my own strength and that I’m finally on my own side in this.
Without time for my piano these days, I’m writing a lot more. It’s keeping my head above water for now. We always do have to settle.
You Have Me
Take the risk.
I’ve heard the fear in these moments.
But I am beyond your death.
I rose from the fall.
I know where you have been.
Led to the beginning of end.
Trust no one else; you’re losing time.
Patience and dear faith will not save your life,
And if love is here it has chosen not to try.
Everlasting truth we find –
I carry the sky
And you will always have my wings to fly.
You will always have me.
A variation of one of my first paintings, when I started this sort of work as a way to cope and long before I knew I could expect worse.
I barely made it through this day. I feel trapped and as if I’m being forced into silence, by having no time now to deal with my frustration in the better ways I know to. At the same time, it’s not like I’m ever really heard anyway. My voice and loud piano annoy people, the lines I write are a foolish mess and I’m always so empty of worth. No wonder I prefer the hunger pains. Somehow it means something within is still trying to fight the hollowness. Physical hurt will always make more sense.
“It was just too much too soon”
This is a drawing from last week as I remembered how I felt after the first day at my new job. I’ve made it through my second full week, but it seems everyday I go through the same inner struggle in wanting to turn away from the decision I’ve made. In wondering how much of a mistake I’ve made and how much strength I’d have to again start over. Luckily, by the end of the day I’m too exhausted to consider doing anything but rest my body. No wonder I get stranger looks from people at work…I’m at a small weight now and must look ridiculous hauling around my heavy carts every day. And today I felt it might be best to go simply because I don’t feel very welcome in my placement. I may be doing the work fine, but might be making others more uncomfortable (I certainly feel very uncomfortable).
I’m going to continue until a month has passed as I promised myself I would though. Below is a partial piano cover I did weeks back of my favorite Breaking Benjamin song.
Beginning week 2 at the new job. Still up and down, mainly in the gray somewhere in between wondering what the fuss is about with worrying whether or not I get this whole thing “right”. I’m just doing what I’m supposed to.
When people in the past have minimized my difficulty and fear regarding certain things, it’s been set up in my mind that I have no right/reason to feel insecure or terrified because this is what is supposed to be happening. For example I’ll think ‘who cares if I end up hating my job? Everyone does and they aren’t acting as ridiculous as I am’. When the truth is that a lot of people may hate their jobs, but I’m sure most of them don’t want to kill themselves over it either. Most people never seriously consider going so far….
I miss playing my piano.
Take Your Turn
How do you breathe through this sorrow?
How can you dream tomorrow?
There is no promise in me
I’m so set apart…
How about you see the low light I see?
Scream my screams.
Glenwood Gardens, spring 2013– Photos I took about a month ago, just as the warm weather was returning with leaves opening to the sun. It was also the day a random stranger- an art photographer walking that day- asked me to pose for his collection. The lavender shaded trees at the end of this slide were near the site he chose for my photo. It was very beautiful that day.
I’ve made it through my first week on my new job. I like the work I’m doing, how I’m mainly responsible for my own tasks and have no one else’s judgment to worry about or rely on. I had a difficult first few days during training, but more due to the crisis I was having emotionally. I underestimated how much the stress of this change would overwhelm me. I’m grateful I had an appointment with my doctor before I made any decisions. He gave me another medication that is working very well, and what we discussed made a mark in mind that I hope to talk further about in two weeks time.
I won’t be the one to say things are finally looking up and all will be well, but I got through the first week. That is more than enough for now.
This is another portrait I started years ago and recently completed.
The song here has been finished for a while now. I had a short clip performing it, but it makes no difference. Nothing special.
Love me –
Hate me for anything.
Either extreme I need;
You’ll find me alive nowhere in between.
All you have to say is “hold on”.
Keep waiting and hoping though all light has gone…
But those words are cruel when one is with no reason to stay.
With no dream to keep breathing for
And little room is left for faith.
Why don’t you take all that I take?
Think your way through it all –
My soul you’ll recreate.
Why don’t you take the rest of these awful years?
You find me a way from here.
So, I have news. Yesterday I accepted a full time position with a local store as a goods inspector. It was one of my better interviews and I did feel like I had a good chance, but now that I’ve accepted I only worry about messing it all up. I’m still sticking with treatment though and have another session very soon. I have to remember that I will and should expect to be allowed enough time to actually learn what I’m doing. I’ll give it a month if my strength allows and see how I feel by then. Someone my age should be working full time by now anyway I guess…I worry about such a schedule overwhelming me.
It’s not in my nature to first look to the bright side of things, but here I am with another opportunity to see the better unfold.