My second completed piece after that long break away from painting. This was totally unplanned/without a sketch. An early mother’s day gift. She still remembers me painting flowers a lot when I was younger and I thought it would be interesting to see what such a painting would turn out as today the person I am now.
I’ve had a great day. A great few days actually and I am grateful.
This sketch is a few months old, reminded me of this song I wrote weeks later. As if I try to stand my ground, ignoring I’ve already lost it all.
I Once Fought
Can you do me a favor?
Can you say that it’s okay?
Maybe it’s permission I’ve needed –
Acceptance beyond my own I’ve sought –
To act upon a thought.
A dear friend I once fought.
I tried despite knowing they’d
This video clip was done when I was working on the song arrangement still, explaining my comments at the end.
Things feel all over the place here at home. My mother, the only person around me on a daily basis, is getting frustrated with me and my depression. I try staying out of her way, keeping the door shut during really bad spells, but it’s not enough. She wants to see and be around no more of it and I understand. I wish I were gone too…I’m sorry I am this way and can’t will myself past it. Besides sticking with my medication and going to my sessions, I don’t know what else to do.
This is the first painting after a long break that I’ve completed. I started it with a free mind, but it eventually became the frustration I feared it would become. It has been so difficult to stay motivated when starting anything because I don’t want to waste time on something that is only going to fail. Being overwhelmed with that sort of disappointment has shut me down in so many ways. But I forced myself to start on and work through a new piece. Each day fighting the urge to rip and throw away what I saw as an ugly mess of confusion. For all I know it could still look that way, but at least now I can live with it.
For once I didn’t choose complete destruction of a problem over working through one and coping with patience. I thought I abandoned that approach long ago, but somehow things do tend to come back around again. There was something more to learn.
This is just a portrait I started about three years ago for practice and never cared to finish until recently. Crayon and colored pencil and lots of deep seated lines from all the other drawings I’ve done over this old paper…lol. It’s not perfect but I didn’t want to throw it away. The little song clip below was a quick idea from weeks and weeks ago. My voice sounds strange in this particular recording, but for however bad it is (I think I was very upset during the time) I decided it was the best of an off day and never went back.
This dream allows no one to wake,
No warmth toward this creep of blood
No freedom from this ache.
Haven’t you heard? She is done for.
The ruin of world has never risen from her eyes
No matter the passing time.
Let us go, leave her behind.
No matter our love and lies.
Leave her to die.
This song clip is the last one I’ve completed. The melody sort of popped into mind after I’d finished taking a long walk and I just wanted to get something down from it.
I haven’t been doing very well. The worst of this depression is having my only bit of certainty be held in the belief I’m going to die soon. At some moments it scares me and at others I’m just relieved it means a conclusion to what I go through and do to myself. I know I’m with an illness that I can’t just think/pray my way out of and what’s scaring me most is realizing the rest of my years won’t be without it recurring again and again. I’m exhausted.
Maybe tomorrow will be the one I’ve been waiting for.
I only thought this drawing was the closest recent piece that could help express the cover song below that I worked on a few weeks ago. It’s a piano cover of The Dead Weather’s song “The Difference Between Us”. One of my favorites of theirs- I just wanted to try it for fun.
Just part of the acoustic arrangement for the song Lost In Paradise. I was excited I actually put together something by ear for the most part (I’ve found no complete sheets for the acoustic version I wanted, so I did what I could).