Crayon drawing. Lately I haven’t felt like getting my paints out and dealing with the messes I create. Just need a little more space from it I think. The poem below is from an abandoned idea I had having to do with the 22 tarot cards of the major arcana. I can’t concentrate enough right now to follow through with the project I had in mind, but might return to it some day with greater excitement. There are several new songs/clips I’ve finished and updated here with. The last one is soon on its way.
At the mark,
My tools ready and spread.
Expectant, while every sense I own
Prepares its scream
For the moment I force us to proceed.
Preferring to savor the splendid mix of dreams
– To breathe by our mere thoughts of possibility.
Because, as the shadow huddled here
In my collapsed corner of this world
– cruel devastation at my heart and
Every turn of success beaten from its start –
Souls a million ways broken I assure play their part.
The game begins
And we never guess the sacrifice of show.
My talent…my hope beyond hope
– I only pretend, but no one
Ever returns to innocence.
The death and our dying
I feel so sorry, for my life and what I’ve allowed it to become.
These sketches just belong together.
I wrote the poem below weeks ago after discussing something with my doctor that still leaves me feeling like I’ll endlessly be ramming into a brick wall as long as I’m alive. But anyway, I put that anger into these lines and tried, but failed by the results, to sing them how I meant. What else is new… My music is still a huge secret when I think about the time – something only I really know/care and have to obsess over. It’s keeping me though, whether or not the more days I have are a waste, some ideas aren’t letting me go quite yet.
You say no.
Too much I am.
It’s far too much I ask –
That you listen and respond,
Give me worth and grace me with your words
When I’m broken and begging you to mean the world.
Exhausted with my sickness, aren’t we all?
I promise you, it won’t happen again.
I promise I’ll do better to pretend I have no choice
But to survive,
Be strong enough to live up to this lie…
I must believe in what I’ve lost faith in –
Be against all that I trust.
When the silence and great distance are all that
I’ve ever known of love.
I went to therapy this afternoon for the first time in over a month. I can’t believe some of what I admitted to, but I see so little purpose in holding back now in any sense. I spoke to my doctor at some points as if I weren’t human at all, like my shadow had taken over and spoke in the voice I usually only hear in my mind. Surprising and disturbing things I let out, but now even I can’t run from the truth of them. He wrote his notes and who knows, they might save my life one day beyond what I expect.
Below is a first verse piano cover of a song called October by Evanescence that I find so comforting in its full version. The final recording I settled with is in the player beneath that.
“I know what it is you do…”
The turning inward.
The pained, curving bend and awful twist
Screams sharp and quick, peeling open my wrists…
My pleading for worth is overdone.
One so alone,
And long unknown is not bothered to be missed.
Neither remembered nor forgotten.
Crayon drawings from a few months back.
I’m trying to keep steady, but waiting is like a disease now in my mind. Just like something that hurts, will never go away and must be gotten used to and accepted somehow. It’s not just the time passing though, it’s being alone that really turns it bad. Keeping myself safe from my own thoughts. There’s no real rest from it now. Nowhere to go.
Just a poem I wanted to try and perform this time. Took a while to let go of how I might look and focus totally on the actual delivery, but this is as good as it gets…Sorry for the poor quality.
As Written Off
Lines of distress –
The cold blooded crisscross of right and wrong
Brought to an end.
I am proven beyond faith and it’s final fall.
The light lingering
Less and less alive…
Just as written off
As the unheard cry…
Final version below…