With all my love.

“All life lives on if we’ve ever loved it…”- Secret Door, Evanescence. An unexpected painting. Recycled a card board box…

A Life Enough

A life
But not alive enough
Falling completely and with all love
I’ve long stopped trying to reach above
The sick and quiet I was spun from

Another bone slammed against an edge
Why hurt me when I can simply hurt myself?
You get into everything and become all of me
The only reason not to live I know I’ll ever need

I submitted a few songs to an actual songwriting forum and I’m totally convinced now there is a huge separation between why I put together songs and why the rest say should be the reason. I couldn’t believe how much time was spent piecing apart- finding flaws- in songs I intend to leave as is. Just like with my paintings, when I say I’m done there is no going back with the brush to ruin what was meant to be left alone. No matter how awkward or ugly/scary it may seem.

It was my mistake to think I’d actually find support in going that route, but when you hear nothing more often, even the worst hurt is welcome. My world is falling apart as I type this- wondering how many more weeks I’ll endure a job that’s crushing me in all ways. Stop trying to survive it. Stop eating- suffer dehydration and wait to drop dead somewhere between coming and going.  It’s a plan I already have five days in on. Others tossing me their two cents of what I “need to do” is not a way out. That kind of understanding is not real. So I will stay quiet as I have been. It’s all easier when you know the end is near. That’s always been the motivation, just stringing me along. Years over done.



Filed under Life

6 responses to “With all my love.

  1. I love this painting. In spite of your brokenhearted spirit, it soars above all the ugliness in your life. I think your bravery in presenting your songs is amazing and you should be proud of the effort that I know it took you to make that attempt. Was there any encouragement from the group or was it all harsh judgment? I like your songs, they are loaded with feeling and your voice is perfect for them. This post made me ache for you. I wish I could do something for you to give you hope, for I am deeply concerned about your state of mind. Allyson, hope is all that will save you in your current condition. My hope lies in my faith, and it is a comfort that no one can ever take from me. I wish you could experience that. Open your mind to the possibility that God can heal your pain. He did for me, and my life is filled with illness and pain and a job that totally sucks. I am very fearful for you in your current despair. Email me if you want a sympathetic ear and a virtual hand to hold: lorenepinkey@gmail.com. I am praying for you, I hope you don’t mind.

  2. Steven

    Never do anything for anyone else. They have their own expectations and criticisms. If you do something for yourself you can’t be disappointed. People often want to put their own expectations and feelings on others work. Saying I like what you did here but this is what I would do. So let them do their thing. I’ve had others that do not enjoy your music. I’ve mentioned many times, I don’t care if it’s “technically inferior” or has a certain tempo. Be proud of the work you do, there are people that enjoy it regardless of your own self doubt.

  3. Love the colors in this painting!

  4. cool painting, cute little heart in there. good song.

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