The Hate You Mean
Speak your heart.
Don’t leave the worst out – your hurt just for me,
The hate you mean.
I never needed you to lie. It rests at my foundation.
The sick of soul feeds from inside,
Scraping clean my humanness…
She is begging to die.
Something I wrote days before deciding to leave the bakery.
I’ve eaten nothing for three days now. Still managed to do my routine exercising this morning, but definitely took it easy – I had no choice with the chest pain/short breath, but I felt better afterward at least. And I don’t feel like I have a choice but to keep myself empty until I have a reason not to be. There are no interviews, no plans to look forward to – just more nothing. A lack of will and lack of “life goals” that has no easy fix. I thought about contacting my doctor, but what can he do or anyone else? We discussed my taking a trip, but I’m in no condition to go anywhere by myself. And beside that, there will be the same emptiness to return home to. I’d rather not return at all.