Just shut me in.

Dreamed Into the Lie

You are here – with a small life
Nothing but your own
This small life you would painfully sacrifice
To know all you’ve never known

How to feel,
How to hope,
How to show yourself through the darkness –
Spark your heart of its cold

But when we’re all gone what will it matter?
When we’ve already lost our way…

Or am I alone to believe?
Too weak and empty for all that has gone wrong
For all that was and is my fault

It was always you and I
With one of us always dreamed into the lie
These sick moments of mind- lifted into your light

Now it’s time I set aside my breath
Get this over with
An easy way exists- just shut me in
Bar every window,
Bolt every door,
Have these walls close me in a little bit more

I know when we’re gone it won’t matter
We’ve already lost our way

A poem/song just a few months old now. I’m sorry positive change is so painfully slow here. Wherever I’m going, it hardly feels like a choice, let alone my own.


Filed under Life

4 responses to “Just shut me in.

  1. Climbing a cliff is so much harder than just letting yourself fall…..

    • Especially when you have absolutely nothing to climb that cliff for to begin with.

      • Allyson, you have conditioned yourself to hopeless sadness. I see myself in you when I was your age, and I hate for you to go through all that I did. So having been there with bipolar depression for years, I do really understand your sense of despair. I allowed myself to think that it was my cross to bear and would never change. But cancer changed that. I found that my first response to it was a deep sense of gratitude that I lived in a county and era where I could perhaps survive it. And that led me to decide to get medical help for the bipolar disorder, even though I loathe psychiatrists , and the meds are very helpful for my mood swings. But it was my sense of gratitude, my internal motivation, that led me on a course that changed my whole perspective. Gratitude is the foundation. Get up every day and make the choice to find something in the day to be grateful for, and don’t focus on the crap. In time, with practice, it will become a habit. As you are aware, music has a powerful effort on mood, so find music that promotes a sense of peace. And, weird as it is, a simple smile can do wonders both to you and the other person. You have talent, amazing talent, that few have. And really talented people are a bit oversensitive to any sense of rejection in others. And I know you stuggle to connect, but you are not alone in this either. There are support groups (and don’t roll your eyes at me) that can help. I don’t know if you have a religious preference, but I found a singles group when I was younger that I loved, and I had the same struggle to connect as you do. Really hard to start going, but I kept at it and found it to be a valuable experience. You may have tried all of this, so the last part is determination, and that is a choice that only you can make. In the end, I do care for your happiness!

  2. Marvelous words and image. I look forward to your posts.

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