An old sketch.
Trapped to feel every moment
A painful dying…
So far under, I forget faith – I forget need.
No longer will I fight for what has never fought for me.
They tell me to survive it, but why when I’ve
Only ever sought for the end?
They will never hear me in the way I’ve needed to be heard.
Never sharing enough words, or filling up with enough worth.
On love I don’t deserve…
And to survive this, I must hurt.
Leave me to the worst I’m given,
The worst I am –
Never witnessed enough to be saved from.
Sorry for the loudness. I wrote this set of lines during another pathetic fit of frustration.
In a low right now, I’d like to settle with ‘no’ and be over with. This is what having no hope for one’s life feels like. And I can talk to no one about it. I’m made to feel wrong as if I’ve said something that can’t possibly be taken seriously.
But if I refuse to do this anymore and just try one day, it might work. It might work- to my advantage- and then what? Nothing. I believe that more than anything else. If you knew me you couldn’t say it isn’t all I am. Disgusted and ashamed with myself, and I don’t know or care so much why anymore. It just is, and inescapable.
I feel unwelcome to this new year.