When Faced

Gripped

Good one, you are.

Inching closer, you welcome him in
Ignoring all hints of caution,
Ignoring the shade that peeks from the
Tear of his worn grin…

Maybe it won’t happen again the way it did,
The way chain knots tighten
Once you think you’ve unraveled them.
It’s unknown in just how you will change,
If courage will have grown or fades when
Faced with the most upsetting of sames

We look up, but the
Moon fell a bit too soon for us to pray.

In moments such as this
I consider my restraint
Gathered in the beauty of this
One last thing I’ve had in me to love enough
To decide

I’ll not bring upon the death of.

Today was my final therapy session for the year, the final one before everything is reset again- the insurance and being billed again. I don’t even want to go there…Money once again getting in the way when I’m not worth it anyhow. Guilt I’ll never rid myself of. At least I got one last prescription written (a sleep aide) before I’m on my own again. I said I’d call sometime after I get my footing back with the bakery, assuming I go back once the new year is in.

Whatever though. None of this even matters when I’ve driven myself beyond the limit I touch on in the poem above. There is no ‘one last thing’ anymore. Being this separated from other people…I’m ashamed to admit I’ll never allow anyone to get so close. And what’s the point of going on alone when I know too well what that looks like and how it feels? I want an end – something to close this up for me and end the waiting and feeling I’ve grown sick of trying to bear.

 

 

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1 Comment

Filed under Life

One response to “When Faced

  1. I wish there was another button than like. Perhaps a button called connect or sympathise. So I type in connect, and I wish there was an easy way to lower what seems like your impenetrable walls. I know they allow you to cope, to get on with the drudgery of each day. But the price of walls is terrible isolation. And you are so mired in isolation that without someone to drag you forcably out, I fear that you will sink above your head. And we as a species are social creatures at heart. I have also felt more depressed lately and not wanting to do anything, but I am forcing myself not to give into it. May you have a Merry Christmas, if you celebrate, I will think of you when I read Jesus’ birth at Christmas Eve service, and hope your Christmas day is a peaceful one. Read my Christmas wishes poem, you were one of the people I was thinking of when I wrote the last set of wishes.

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