In the Lift of Sky

One of my latest crayon drawings. The poem below I eventually put to music, splitting it up into two separate songs. Part one is on the player and I’ll save part two for later. Even in my own blog I feel like I’m overwhelming…As if I’m with too much, just spinning round and round, waiting with too many directions to lose myself in. And for that reason, stuck from indecisiveness.

Even Now

Even now, in the goodness of light,
In the lift of a sun filled sky,
In good news – finally with my chance to move,
Yet so long overdue…

Distant now from all mistakes too great for me to hide
Left is a poor trace of hope and humanness in mind
To want takes effort.
To dream I must be revived.
I must believe it is still worth it to try.

When so reasonless,
For the best to work out I no longer expect
And although empty inside, where the
Rest of what this world knew of me has died,
I still hurt in disappointment.
The knife still scrapes against
With every movement of my breath.

My heart is fixed and cold
My wings have broken by this weight as I’m thrown
Always, I fail to fly…Even now in the goodness of light,
Is it still within me to try?

It has been a long and unexpected week. I’ve stayed quiet with everything I’ve felt, realizing that even when I need someone to talk to it’s more likely going to make me feel worse than give me breath again. That mix of hurt disappointment, anger and helplessness usually ends with cuts on my wrist, passive-aggressive behaviors and a lot more silence. A lot more wishing I could go back and fix the wrong- destroy it- or simply be erased.

“Simply”…lol I do wish.

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2 Comments

Filed under Life

2 responses to “In the Lift of Sky

  1. This picture reminds me strongly of Picasso! Without being nosy, I assume you have tried treatment and failed? I feel your soul-weary hopelessness. I know cutting helps release the anger and helps you FEEL, but those scars are a constant reminder of anger released against yourself. I know there are self-cutting support groups, would you be willing to go to one? And yes, it means meeting other people and hearing their stories blah blah blah, but you may connect with one of them. Somehow you need to find a shovel to dig yourself out of this quicksand that is drowning you. Dont be like me and look back on your life in your 40’s and wish you had been, done, lived differently.

  2. Love the drawing and the poem. Nobody can/should move backwards. Today is your day. Start now. Be well.

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