Once the hollow heart beat goes…

A crayon drawing.

The poem below I put to piano some weeks ago. It’s about a mix of conflicts in mind–wondering how it is I’m still here at all and what- if anything- could be wanted with what I’ve turned into. The last three lines were omitted as lyrics.

The Haunt

At the end
Is a heaviness, a hush
I’ve followed too far, I’ve bled too much
Set free once the hollow heart beat goes

I slip beyond – between – beneath…
A cold and lightless soul

So, how did I drift into your dream?
How did my shade become one you could see?
You call out, you follow to reach
Your grasp is now upon – tearing my wings
You dare claim I am loved,
That I am someone you need
But I have nothing…

How it hurts when I fall to your feet
You beg me to wake, yet I hardly breathe
But you will keep believing and
Want more for what it means to be
Something of yours

————

I don’t know who/what to turn to now. There’s always something I could be working on or planning, but it doesn’t fill what’s missing. And I don’t know just what’s missing…

Maybe I’m 100% well and just over thinking this emptiness. Left alone just a few years too long.

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6 Comments

Filed under Life

6 responses to “Once the hollow heart beat goes…

  1. Such an expressive drawing-as is your song. I think all of us are looking for “something” all the time in various degrees, different times of life. I think that’s the heart of an artist. I think you will find good things too. I always appreciate your posts. That ‘s a good thing for me today:)

  2. Artistic endeavors feed your spirit but what is feeding your soul? We all strive to find the meaning to our lives. For me, my peace comes from my faith that I am a beloved and redeemed creation of a Divine Creator. This relationship allows me to find peace no matter what the world–or serious illness– throws at me. From your posts I feel that you are oppressed by unhappy circumstances and sadness and sinking into a black hole of despair. I worry deeply for you and I fervently wish that you will seek and find what you need to fill that void. I know that Christmas is especially hard for the depressed, all that merriment and joy that you cant share. You know yourself best, but I think you need someone to help lead you out of this mental prison. So here is an idea substantiated from research: I know you love to create dark works of art, and while they are powerful, can you try and create something beautiful and peaceful? Powerful chemicals are produced from the brain during creative efforts; when I create a dark poem my feelings are just that. But when I create a funny or Christian poem, I feel a great sense of joy. Please consider trying it.

    • What you’ve suggested is something I’ve challenged of myself several times before, but I seem to get so anxious when I attempt a more hopeful tone in my art/writing. I feel like I’m lying which leads my hesitation the most. I’m probably not approaching it the right way and should keep trying, but I do understand what you mean and it makes sense to me.

      I make things more complicated than they need to be don’t I…Thank you, Lorene.

      • Ok, you need a re-charge day. Actually you need a re-charge month, but without finding a sugar honey or winning the lottery that wont happen with most people. Belly breathing is a great technique for anxiety. Close your eyes, imagine your favorite (whatever- as long as it is calm) and allow your chest to expand fully. Feel the whole experience. Repeat 10 times and then just breathe and dont think at all. If you have water sounds (download), it can intensify the experience. You are so comfortable with one type of emotion that I imagine anything else artistically would be an unpleasant and uncomfortable experience. Make a picture of your favorite first toy and make her comfortable and happy surrounded by beautiful light. I would love to see that. The other help ( for my bipolar depression, besides meds) is exercise. The endorphines really do help elevate mood. And dont read my latest poem, it’s a real bummer…. :)

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