These are a collection of Fall photos I took at a few parks and around my neighborhood during the October/November months. I have additional shots that I’ll share sometime, but these are favorites for their color. So grateful for what I did come away with this year…Hopefully I’m ready for whatever is around the corner. I feel ready.
Monthly Archives: December 2012
We are in agreement.
You know me and I know you know what’s best.
Of my love and weakness, there is no guess –
You know what ways in which I’m blessed.
Dearest secret, devoted I am…
In the dark I will scratch your way into my skin,
New blood be kissed into the bone,
I settle you into my soul.
Days like this…ehh I’m really over trying. For the new year- nothing certain to look forward to. And I’ve worn my body down enough trying to stay too exhausted to fight. Tired just enough to tolerate being here, but nothing is returned for what’s given up. And I get that none of this is understandable. It’s cold and too quiet within- I’m very distant now. All I have to go on is where I’ve come from. So, that’s what I have to look forward to.
At least I do know.
An early sketch of a painting.
Sometimes I take step by step photos of certain pieces I work on.
This was a first shot.
I haven’t had such a good holiday break in a long time. I don’t celebrate Christmas, but today I got so much done and feel in control again, at least for the moment. I changed my room around, put up new art and reorganized/threw out a lot of things. It feels good to let go and make certain decisions, even if it’s just over small things like how to deal with personal objects. It’s a start and something that I think helps in building my strength to then move onto the bigger problems and decisions that must be made. I’m trying to start over. It’s time to.
I have updated my Art & Photos page with several new photo slides. Finally getting around to sharing photos I’ve had for years.
In need of another heart
Another hearing –
A moment to scream and to weep
For how little you’ve ever been able to keep
There is more to this longing and grief…
And far we do reach, but it’s for much more than
A taste of the sweet in our dreams
It’s for every piece broken up and lost to us within
Where no one sees
And in truth, for all that has gone missing,
We never dare let ourselves believe
It is so.
But go further now, beyond your wants –
Witness your light of soul
Further now, allow yourself to feel it all, be hurt
As there soon will be a time to recognize your worth
Your greatest worth…
From the love you’ve given,
The love you are and have all your life
These are lyrics I wrote in an attempt to write a song with someone I’d briefly spoken with online. They started out with lines leaning toward a love song, which I’ve never been comfortable with, but I tried anyway with my own bend to the ideas thrown out. I’ll probably never get around to figuring this one out musically, but it is something I hope for. Along with actually believing these words one day. Owning them as I can’t right now. I’m not doing very well.
Good one, you are.
Inching closer, you welcome him in
Ignoring all hints of caution,
Ignoring the shade that peeks from the
Tear of his worn grin…
Maybe it won’t happen again the way it did,
The way chain knots tighten
Once you think you’ve unraveled them.
It’s unknown in just how you will change,
If courage will have grown or fades when
Faced with the most upsetting of sames
We look up, but the
Moon fell a bit too soon for us to pray.
In moments such as this
I consider my restraint
Gathered in the beauty of this
One last thing I’ve had in me to love enough
I’ll not bring upon the death of.
Today was my final therapy session for the year, the final one before everything is reset again- the insurance and being billed again. I don’t even want to go there…Money once again getting in the way when I’m not worth it anyhow. Guilt I’ll never rid myself of. At least I got one last prescription written (a sleep aide) before I’m on my own again. I said I’d call sometime after I get my footing back with the bakery, assuming I go back once the new year is in.
Whatever though. None of this even matters when I’ve driven myself beyond the limit I touch on in the poem above. There is no ‘one last thing’ anymore. Being this separated from other people…I’m ashamed to admit I’ll never allow anyone to get so close. And what’s the point of going on alone when I know too well what that looks like and how it feels? I want an end – something to close this up for me and end the waiting and feeling I’ve grown sick of trying to bear.
One of my latest crayon drawings. The poem below I eventually put to music, splitting it up into two separate songs. Part one is on the player and I’ll save part two for later. Even in my own blog I feel like I’m overwhelming…As if I’m with too much, just spinning round and round, waiting with too many directions to lose myself in. And for that reason, stuck from indecisiveness.
Even now, in the goodness of light,
In the lift of a sun filled sky,
In good news – finally with my chance to move,
Yet so long overdue…
Distant now from all mistakes too great for me to hide
Left is a poor trace of hope and humanness in mind
To want takes effort.
To dream I must be revived.
I must believe it is still worth it to try.
When so reasonless,
For the best to work out I no longer expect
And although empty inside, where the
Rest of what this world knew of me has died,
I still hurt in disappointment.
The knife still scrapes against
With every movement of my breath.
My heart is fixed and cold
My wings have broken by this weight as I’m thrown
Always, I fail to fly…Even now in the goodness of light,
Is it still within me to try?
It has been a long and unexpected week. I’ve stayed quiet with everything I’ve felt, realizing that even when I need someone to talk to it’s more likely going to make me feel worse than give me breath again. That mix of hurt disappointment, anger and helplessness usually ends with cuts on my wrist, passive-aggressive behaviors and a lot more silence. A lot more wishing I could go back and fix the wrong- destroy it- or simply be erased.
“Simply”…lol I do wish.
A crayon drawing.
The poem below I put to piano some weeks ago. It’s about a mix of conflicts in mind–wondering how it is I’m still here at all and what- if anything- could be wanted with what I’ve turned into. The last three lines were omitted as lyrics.
At the end
Is a heaviness, a hush
I’ve followed too far, I’ve bled too much
Set free once the hollow heart beat goes
I slip beyond – between – beneath…
A cold and lightless soul
So, how did I drift into your dream?
How did my shade become one you could see?
You call out, you follow to reach
Your grasp is now upon – tearing my wings
You dare claim I am loved,
That I am someone you need
But I have nothing…
How it hurts when I fall to your feet
You beg me to wake, yet I hardly breathe
But you will keep believing and
Want more for what it means to be
Something of yours
I don’t know who/what to turn to now. There’s always something I could be working on or planning, but it doesn’t fill what’s missing. And I don’t know just what’s missing…
Maybe I’m 100% well and just over thinking this emptiness. Left alone just a few years too long.