I see where I have lost.

Exile

Society’s love and
I’m the busted eye of

I’ve gone against their common law
Tradition’s normal bold withdrawn

I will not follow and I cannot lead
The wasted gray of two extremes

I am caught outside this…thing
And plead with vows I cannot keep

In prayers I say and may not mean
To this one god I may not need

From night where I exist
Sighting each shadows new black tints

I see where I have lost
Spread, dirtied and tame

Truth, more than a bit removed
It’s my ending they’ve changed

————

I told them Friday would be my last day.

I have been miserable for too long. Yes, something I’m responsible for- beyond this little job and the year this has been. As right as I believe I am in the decision for all that’s happened, it will be a while if at all I forgive myself.

Thinking about my life just hurts.

“I need not to need.
Or else a love with intuition;
Someone who reaches out to my weakness
And won’t let go.”

– Lyrics from The Tower by Vienna Teng

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3 Comments

Filed under Life

3 responses to “I see where I have lost.

  1. Allison– I hope the decision to leave your job was from you. It yes, bravely done. From reading this amazing blog over the last few weeks, I see you as a soul who will get sucked completely dry working at a job that is meaningless to you. You are probably the most talented person I have ever come across as I have yet to know of anyone who can write music, poetry, amazing art, and play the piano. I hope you see yourself as the amazing person that I see from this site. As a bipolar and anxiety sufferer, I understand to some extent the misery of despondency. The only consolation I could ever give is that your outlook may be driving your creativity. If you love what you create, then there is some brightness. I hope you find, or have lined up, a position that feeds your spirit. Bless you, I think of you often. I know you never respond but someday I hope you will connect.

    • Your comments couldn’t have come at a more needed time than now and I truly appreciate your support, kindness and thoughtfulness. My mistake has always been thinking I can carry on the way I have by ignoring how I feel and that I can be happier by further isolating. If it changed anything I wouldn’t still say what I say and want what I want.
      Today some unexpected things occurred and I’m grateful just not to be in pieces from it all. Thank you so much, Lorene.

      • Any time, girl. Ive been there, Im 43 and have learned a lot about what I should have done. Not that my situation and yours are alike, but my actions related to depression (bipolar type) in the past shaped some very large decisions in my life that completely changed my course. And i have regrets. I can talk alot about attitude and choice, but when I get depressed I cant change my attitude. It just all spirals down, and everything goes with it unless I force myself to do a positive action that is meaningful to me (and dont stop taking my meds !!). No one can live on an island. We all need someone, even if it is just one someone. From the first second I saw this blog I felt that you are an amazing bud that needs to be fed a bit to bloom. So I will give you one whenever I can.

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