On Your Behalf
Newest painting, took forever with how many hours I’ve been spending at work over the last month, but it’s done finally. I didn’t want to rush and mess up the idea I had, and as usual, the black outline was the most tedious part- being last. Anyway, I have another sketch ready for color, it’s just a matter of having the energy to pay attention to it right now.
Today was supposed to be my last day at the bakery, but after I’d made my little announcement I was approached at the end of the next day and told they didn’t want to see me go. I agreed to continue on working with them, but only part time. The work is not excruciating, but it’s still not for me. At least the misery will be tolerable again- I’ll sustain longer if not until I find something better. That’s my hope at least.
Below is a recent song, but all the most recent ones are already on the music page I updated. It will be a relief to have time again with my piano. I do miss playing. http://official.fm/tracks/HECa
To you I’ve given up. I’ve given in
Though I promised this could never ever hurt me enough
To you I’ve given up.
Somewhere beyond hopeless doubt and fear I’ve run
But you know me, round and round we go
For every break through- high and low-
You’ve chosen to follow
I don’t want to be wanted this way.
I settle – I ache – I satisfy all that you crave
You claim my life…the very breath of my blood,
And I’ve forgotten who I was before you, before your love
Before everything I’ve done,
Everything I’ve become
Society’s love and
I’m the busted eye of
I’ve gone against their common law
Tradition’s normal bold withdrawn
I will not follow and I cannot lead
The wasted gray of two extremes
I am caught outside this…thing
And plead with vows I cannot keep
In prayers I say and may not mean
To this one god I may not need
From night where I exist
Sighting each shadows new black tints
I see where I have lost
Spread, dirtied and tame
Truth, more than a bit removed
It’s my ending they’ve changed
I told them Friday would be my last day.
I have been miserable for too long. Yes, something I’m responsible for- beyond this little job and the year this has been. As right as I believe I am in the decision for all that’s happened, it will be a while if at all I forgive myself.
Thinking about my life just hurts.
“I need not to need.
Or else a love with intuition;
Someone who reaches out to my weakness
And won’t let go.”
– Lyrics from The Tower by Vienna Teng
Below is a poem I’ve posted long enough before (around the time I bought my used piano). I recently put these lines to music, which ever since it was written I’d considered doing until now having completed it. Also, I’ve found a better site to manage my music uploads where I have unlimited space and I’m in the process of updating everything with hope I won’t have to bother with it again…
Fragile but ugly
So by all means – break
Everyone will be angry if you wait
Never blessed by a breath of wings above
They know how cold you are; no one expects your love
No one cares for what you’ve done
And no one fears your setting sun
The bass notes we’ve become with scars upon our strings
Snap away – find a death in change
You would take no sound at all
Over the same
(A water colored sketch- something new finally)
I had a very helpful session this afternoon. A lot was mentioned about what happened at work with the owner and her disrespect at my disagreeing with her over something. She shouldn’t have asked my opinion at all and now I’m sure in what I think of who she is. And my doctor assured that my “skin is thick enough” when I said how others always say I should just toughen up- that this is just how it goes and on and on. I didn’t hit her and I didn’t quit after all. The bottom line is I have a right to be angry and not feel wrong for how I feel. And others shouldn’t shoot me down for it either. I will own this and grow from it.
The song below is something different. I did about three recordings and picked the very first of the bunch to share as it unexpectedly got my idea across the best.
I may have fallen
I might be displaced
And yes, for a moment
I may have shifted my gaze
But make no mistake
This is my game.
It goes my way,
I always have the final say.
And for all you do, honey…
The blood stain and scar-
The given breath you are-
Take it too far
This time I want the truth
My only rule, honey…
Make sure you leave me
Sketches, from here and there…
Lately I have not been able to talk to anyone. Even a slight mention of something difficult going on with me and all I hear is advice offered I never asked for and never wanted. No one knows how to just be present with me when going through a rough time and not try to fix what can’t be fixed by anyone but me. This is where I feel insulted/offended in a way- whether or not it’s right to. Usually when people dish out their advice it’s in a way that assumes I have not tried to help myself or that adopting their way at solving my problems is as easy as simply repeating what they’ve said.
So, rather than allowing myself to become too furious and completely shutting down, I tried to express some of this anger in a song I wrote specifically tied to what I’ve mentioned above. I know this is more about what’s wrong with me than with other people and what they feel the need to say when I don’t take the usual route in lying about how I’m actually doing. But it still hurts and I’ve got to do something with that before I choose a bad turn.
At Your Word
It’s won me over.
It’s you I hate.
Go home now.
Don’t have anymore to say.
Foolish you’ve been to follow
You dare get in my way…
The edge, cold and cruel, is pressed
Kindness will not do
And I’ve grown sick here at rest
Filling up on you
I’ve listened, I’ve kept my peace
Despite all I’ve heard,
But my quiet calm has been disturbed…
For the more you think you know
The less good is done by me
In choosing to hold my own
I listen and in my hurt
I am made to feel worse
I have been through more
Than what your word is worth
Go home now.
Don’t have anymore to say.
This week has been long and I’ve gained little hope. The benefit of sticking around is unknown to me and it’s easier to slip away. It’s worth more to me, so how can that not be what’s right?
The eyes peel.
I leave them alone
Waiting – watching the
Future get old
The cracked lines and spoiled haze
Embitter your light
And here, on my side…
We’ve all been forced to fold
To forget that our story
Was neither written
I set aside every project of my own this week and worked as many hours as I could, at a job that would take every last minute of time awoke to actually make enough to feel like I’m getting somewhere better. There isn’t any middle road it seems. I can’t have it both ways where I can have time for my art and work to save money. It has to be one or the other. And I feel forced into this, without any option but to sacrifice the few things that do make me happy for something that only depletes my will to live.
Given one more day alive doing what I love beats another 20 or30 years working for cash that is always already spent.