Monthly Archives: October 2012

The one I’m supposed to love…

A recent photo at sunrise and a self-portrait. Below is a song with more personal meaning from what it may appear to be about. A lot of time was spent just reflecting and I wrote what I felt.

We Are Distant

My dear, my love
Or the one I’m supposed to love
The one I don’t know enough

What have I done? What have I let happen?

When you reach I don’t feel you near me
I don’t see you crying
I don’t hear you bleed
I don’t hear you in me

We are distant,
But I would never forget the reason
How far we’ve gone
And what we have become

I would never forget the reason
My dear, my love

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October shades and a birthday…

These are recent pictures I’ve taken at the park I live near. Many more I’ve not gotten around to yet, but these are some of my favorites. My 23rd birthday was yesterday and my mother made not one mention of it to me. I don’t expect gifts or even cards–my family doesn’t know me well enough for that–but just a bit of acknowledgement would have been nice. I understand no one else realizes what a thing it actually is that I’ve made it another year on Earth, so I’m alone as it passes–where I wonder if the 24th has me fully written in.

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Wait, lie, bleed, die.

Crayon drawing

Drove all the way to the new location where I work- saw no one there- drove back home. I hate everything about waking up now, getting in my little car, driving roads with pot holes large enough to swallow it up. I called and lied that something happened with my car- that I’d be back in tomorrow. I don’t care about the job or the people involved or what I’m supposed to be working toward. I don’t want to live so unhappy and that’s all I ever feel.  Separate, unhappy, unheard and always so disappointed. I do want to die. Getting away from all of these loveless people, including my self, and responsibilities that only drive the blade deeper in.

I do have to go.

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No life beyond the sound.

A recent sketch that was part of a weeks worth. I had the lyrics of the song below in mind which I was working on at the time. The recording took a while to get used to–just one of those ideas I didn’t want to set aside.

In Doubt

If you knew me – if you heard far enough beneath
You would not think to have your way in doubt
Truth ever unwilling to allow…

There is no love here
No life beyond the sound

This patience is un-sharpening
The weaker I become once I look up and try to breathe
With your faith in me – it’s your faith in me…
Weighing down my wings

There is no love here
No life beyond the sound
Truth unwilling to allow

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And waiting…

More photos of mine.

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Back again for more…

Just a sketch. Below is a partial cover of “All the Rowboats” by Regina Spektor I did one day for fun/to warm up my voice for something else I’ve been recording. That song-as with most of her songs- just makes me smile. I love her lyrics.

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You’ve watched.

The Ruining

Last chance
Abstracted from what kept it alive

I accede to the broken tune

The death I carry is as if I walk
With a grave stone planted
At the back of my skull

Fear – again – is accepted
As reason and rule

Victim’s eyes were taken to
Set free the soul of mirror

Shards lodged into mine at my glance
All the while a gun was placed
Right there in your hands…

All hidden beginnings
Have led the same end
You’ve watched and
You’ve let me happen

————

Never drawing, older poem. I don’t know how I made it through this week. Everyday that passed it never got better–the heaviness never lifted.

Taking my thoughts back to the last time I did something for fun, here is a link to a piano cover I did for “Tourniquet”. It sucks of course, but fun to sing anyway. Everything from the 2 minute mark and after is all I care for really, totally improvised:

https://www.box.com/s/e3ls4j553alzq6c00x2k

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