Monthly Archives: September 2012

I’m losing.

Please, don’t tell me I’m wrong
I’ve always known, I don’t belong here.

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Haven’t shared this song before, but it was nothing I stressed over–probably why I forgot. Just felt very sad one day (can hear it in my voice I think) and this is what came through on the first recording. Nothing new about that here I guess. It always comes back around.

https://www.box.com/s/28e379a5a0777c4e0c56

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Now, be nice…

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These portraits are all years old. I’m going to make time for news ones though. The poem below is another I took the beginning and used as lyrics to go with a bit of music I’d really wanted to do something with. It’s just an idea I needed to record- one day I might go back and add to it somehow.

Your Comfort

Not too softly.
It’s always worse when you must repeat.
The flame and its constant burn –
The ache of our constant hurt has
Bitten through from beneath.

Forgive me, but I am your ever present shame
And I must have my say.
Be sure, you will love me so much more
Once I’ve gotten in your way,

Because I am your comfort.
I’ve given you your place
Lifted high, yet with far reach toward your light,
My shadows could drown out your grace.

But I honor, I obey…
And allow you to believe we should be saved.
How haven’t you been worn of hope?
Haven’t we died so many times?
Had our fill of ash and smoke?…

Loosen and let down your weary faith.
Let down this dream of which
You’ve long been awakened from.
I know all the better you thought you’d become.
Unblessed and left fallen –
Set now the sun.
Your wings have whispered sigh in settling –

Be done.

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I always see.

Of course I hurt
I always see it ten times worse…

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Far From Here

Another video with more clips of art, this time set to “The Shadows”- a song probably better left forgotten about, but I remember the images in mind from when I wrote the lyrics and always thought I needed a way to really show what I saw. I guess this video just gets me a little closer to doing that.

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Where Dreams and Darkness Collide

“I’ve found a world where love and dreams and darkness all collide…”

An oil pastel and crayon drawing I did a few weeks ago. Spent all day on it for having no plan- just started drawing- woke up in an awful way. Another long poem below. It began from some thoughts about leaves/plant life…

The Barrier

They all have heard your secret
Privileged for the old they can shed
To ready themselves for the next dream
The next age of enlightenment.

Not a year has passed where I’ve not seen
Their peace glow from within.
Their leaves of the sweetest gold and veins so green
Such gratefulness…for all the good of you to be given.

Why not for me?
Just why can’t I join them in what they see?

Completely loved, they are of a light
My kind has never done well to find.
Their motivation – so pure to survive
They are gifted a glimpse of the other side.

All the best for free…
Sorted far from the need of one so weak.

The half way I’ve forced myself to breathe
And for even less do I believe
I can be taken by faith and held close…
An unconditional spirit of which I’ve never known.

Why can’t I be like them – alive with a soul?
Though I listen, I fail to hear your whisper through my
Scar thickened skin –
For this barrier of live blood and bone…

What has my heart?
Where is my home?

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Too much of a fool.

A sketch I’ve already done something with, but have yet to edit…

This life feels like a dead end, right now especially. It’s always difficult to explain the effort it takes in keeping even a simple amount of motivation for doing things. Today I only wondered why anyone at all would want to keep living. So far it’s felt like I’m constantly chasing something I don’t even want. I’m just supposed to want it. I’m too empty inside. Too late for friends and “connecting” with other people. Too finished to dream of having a career I love.  And for what it is now…to work 40-50 hours a week…for what?

Haven’t felt this low in a few weeks I guess. I was only waiting for a phone call (yes, for a job); it never came even though I was told I’d receive one today. I just hate myself for actually believing that lie yet again. Wishing my years were over with. This is painful.

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Remember me?

A very old colored pencil drawing of mine.

I put together a video including an older song I wrote with clips of my art throughout. There are some new paintings and drawings included, some I’ve already posted here along with several older pieces. Just trying something new…

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