Monthly Archives: June 2012

In Years

In Years

Evenings come with their weary bones
And broken minds
In bits they drag themselves home

Ashen eyes and obligation’s never ending need
Flattened beneath it all
Everyday for someone else’s dying belief

Dreamless remedies slid down their throats
And midnight should have been just fine,
But yesterdays followed in their years of pain to show

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Here’s an acoustic guitar version of one of my older songs,  Fall Quiet. It’s no better than the pitiful keyboard recording I did the first time around, but I just wanted this idea down too…trying to make something better when I don’t think it can be anymore.

https://www.box.com/s/b17eab70f4aadd8a291f

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A Given Kindness

I wrote something several months ago after I’d gone to the doctor for a physical and was left to wait in a room with a huge, frantic fly that would not settle for more than a second. I waited long enough to think up a lot I had to get written down and this is it below. This link is to a reading of the poem I decided to do recently :   https://www.box.com/s/005f8bbd3b8a524014c3

Eleutheromania

They’ve trapped us both behind the office door
Both of us too small for the worlds in which we live
Yet I – of a larger mass – know of few let layers
Even less gets filtered through
My meaning and instinct are so small compared
To the pursuit of freedom about you …

A fresh lens projects across your eyes
You learn: swoop closer and I swat toward
Hoping you’ll tumble down and out onto the floor
So you hang low in the dark corner
Determined buzz turned a thin, contemplative hum
I see you know the danger
Ticks and zips to figure plan…

If I weren’t so anxious someone would walk in
You’d be caught now, and our mutual misery at end

But I understand heartlessly
That you, a winged creature of mere weeks
Matters more than my past and potential life
In its entirety
To stop your life would shift the greater scale
While my pitiful quickness – my whatever is left existence –
Be disposable, inconsequential and utter less

You’ve noticed the window finally
Beating against the glass, you want back into the heat
Another day thickly absorbed: July’s ninety degree
Oppressive, but for all you know, only in this moment
And much less than the very close, enclosed fold
Of walls making up this room

So lucky you are…the weight of years don’t tie you in
Your life span began with a given kindness
It will happen and your decay will sprinkle the sunset haze
Someday you’ll start again
And I will be here – still waiting

Wishing I’d never been

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Endlessly wonder.

I’ve updated my black and white photos page with recent pictures. I could hang around those cemetery grounds for hours for all there is to see, and such old monuments…I love being there.The poem below is one I randomly put to music and decided to sing. There have been a few written pieces I just hear music with when I read them, so I’m trying to follow through with them all to get it out of my system before I stop all together. Stupid ideas, but I’m almost done.

  https://www.box.com/s/b0760594fd81176afdc1

Eventually

Out of misery
That is just not what it wants for me

Continue to live— continue to be
And keep believing you know what it means
And endlessly wonder upon wondering
When all is free— death a guarantee

Patiently drawn in between each beat
And eventually, out of
Misery

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For the Roses

A recent painting. I started the drawing for it way back in January and just waited until I’d completed other work before continuing with this one. The poem below is from last summer- thought it was too stupid to bother sharing, but I may as well throw out the rest of what I have. No one says anything so what’s there to fear.

Summer’s Way

Stop searching for the roses
They are sick and want to die
But those daisies love the illness
They love their hum of flies

This is wild summer
The midnights are never hush
Of hot siestas…breathless blur…
All creek and river starved of rush

And its air, so thick, knows to rest
One more, then one more day
Sunsets extend far into west
We simmer, lazy in ache

Soon the storm will strip this haze
Winds curl and clouds will wring their rain
Striking to ash our delusions
Fear split, in wide escape

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I’m tired of second guessing my decisions. Taking up that choice is usually wrong and by forgetting it I’ll just save time in picking up the pieces. Every choice seems to create the same mess in the end so it really doesn’t matter.

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“Can’t wish it all away.”

What’s happened to Fear?

I open the eye and blink a few times
Unbelievingly
As if I’ve broken the mirror

This forgetful sleep where each piece is shattered
By the glimpse of sunrise;
A deception of late night

I just forgot to turn off my bedroom light

Show me a homeless memory
The past I have ignored
Take me before old friends

Inject the bitterness and make sour the blood

Wrinkle the walls, crumble the stop
Give me screams and please—
Let the words be there in abundance

On this night I’m wondering, what’s happened to fear?

What’s happened to those years spent covering my ears?
A tired suffocation by these petty old ghosts
Strangers I wish I’d never gotten to know

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A poem written a long time ago, feeling a similar way I do now. The past is still getting in my way and I want to start over. Destroy what is, and start all over.

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For Movement

There is no other way down.

I take it back.

See the dying light.

A sharp pain.

These are sketches I’ve been holding onto. Always saving something for another day… so, today is it.

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Just Nothing.

Missing

They’ll try forever to become
Who you want them to be

Pity those who don’t listen to what they are told
The complicated way is to go looking on your own
Mistaking the signs and wasting precious time
For a purpose never there lost for you to find

It’s easy; believe what is said is truth
Live in ways meant best for you
Others have done it right
Don’t question them and you’ll be fine

Only until you question why you don’t belong to you
Missing all you recognized and pushed far out of view…

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Why do there have to be so few days where I feel grateful for having woken up? Maybe if I actually got to sleep for more than an hour…

I did a cover of Farther Away a couple of weeks ago. Sounds nothing like the upbeat/aggressive Evanescence original and that was the goal–this is a piano version: https://www.box.com/s/ba6098060886fc45450b  Why bother with trying to sound like the original when you could just go listen to that, perfect as is…

Anyway, I don’t plan anymore covers and once I’m done with the songs I’m working  on now, I’ll put the recorder away and move on. Things really aren’t going in a good direction and I’ll be throwing in the towel by the end of June.

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