Monthly Archives: March 2012

Cornered

The painting I was working on is still not finished. Now working, I haven’t had time for anything else. And with the way things are looking to me, the way things feel now, I’d rather walk in front of a train than think about the position I’ve put myself in- knowing I can’t just not wake up to it anymore or wish it away. My last prescription has been filled and I have nothing keeping me from downing the whole bottle just for the hell of it. I can’t go back to my doctor and there is no one else to turn to, if that was even in me to do at this point.

The Cornered

Our kind has to be careful.
The wisps we are made of
Make us delicately rare
Though not the sort sweetly treasured
Or adored as the wink in the
Flutter of butterfly wings

We are less than those beautifully born.
Those who are meant to thrive and
To be mourned so dearly once they’ve died…

Our shades are thin – wafting weakly
And not to be given away,
Not to gleam recklessly beneath the brighter ray.
For us, their words are bandages lately placed
For what’s there are freshly healed young scabs on skin
Humbly triumphant
Now torn open and removed
To an even deeper wound

Not only a flesh disturbance or
A spirit and soul just frost bitten cold
From a couple centuries of winter’s snow –
When placed without a place, no one can point you
To the sun.

In the last seconds between night’s sigh,
Through dreaming and the dawning of light
They won’t care how restlessly you’ve run.
How awake you’ve been yet not so nearly woken up
Far we’ve gone to end a beginning that
Has never begun
Here without a name leaves the most willing escape
Through common happenings,

Cornered when
We crave to lose the fight

——————

So I guess there will just be a lot no one will ever see or know of. Drawings and pieces of writing and bits of music that will no longer exist the moment I don’t anymore. That way, it makes sense. Only mattering to me anyways…and who am I? Nobody.

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With Roots

There are several plant and butterfly photos I have yet to share here, but I’m just starting a new painting and didn’t want to post an old one, so I thought these photos (bonsai trees) would do. The one at the bottom took a while to get used to for how creepy it struck me once I’d gotten home and looked over my shots. Anyway, the poem is years old and was written during the winter months. Just placing it here since I’d never before planned an image to pair it with.

Rooted

Blandness against my eye
Of the winter sunrise-
Expecting far too much from me
To get ahead of hours when I have no where to go
Sitting here with heat from the vent burning my toes

Rooted like an old great tree
We watch all forms of life fold and peel away
Including each other—
Both without our ways to move

Why fight for what I clearly was not meant to have?
For the light to give them up, the shadows never asked…
Nothing can be safe
When all will do what it will to
Have its way

———-

I’m starting a new job Monday, regular schedule for the week of training. I’m at rock bottom, only interested in finding whatever could be left to gain. Maybe by next week everything will be different, in a good way finally…

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To Keep Safe As I Am

“This day should never have come to pass.”

This drawing was one I completed on my birthday this past October. Most of my sketches have long titles, usually a line from a song or just a sentence summing up my thoughts behind it. So anyway, that particular day was a difficult one only because I made it to be. I didn’t want to see 22 years close out still stuck in the same situation, having seen no real change. But I’ll never be satisfied, and I’m beginning to think there’s not even a middle ground for what I would agree to just live with, or rather, live as.

My Place

Up the drive way
With the large and hollow garbage can
Pulled by the grip of my weak, bone thin hands

Three, maybe four of me could fit within, comfortably
Perhaps even a fifth if you don’t mind the minor lift
Of the lid at my extra folded self

I think it’s rather right I be thrown away
To reunite with my own kind –
Disposed of with the waste

I don’t know what went wrong, but so much was lost
With such forward strength in the bends of my gaze
And now an eye has broken off

Now all sites of extreme are reached and
At once, for better is all for shame
Its pure breath – a lie in itself – was too much less for

Me to sustain – too quick a disappointment for me
To contain,
For me to keep safe as I am

At a far distance from our useless conversation
Your advice swept by somewhere on the
Outside in whisper shreds

There be no other link – no other shade to which I cling
More faithfully than to what sees me fallen

———————–

I’ve messed up again. Things were so certain…and either way, I already had enough rope.

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Of Dread

 This painting is from over a year ago, but I was too embarrassed to share it. Another strange drawing idea I just went along with and for the longest I hated how it turned out, but recently I made a few minor changes to help make it a little more bearable to look at I guess. There’s a small scene on the right side of a lightening strike over water, very hard to see but it goes with the mix of ideas I drew this from. Below is a poem/lyrics I wrote with my guitar a few months ago (it’s about something related to my therapy sessions). I want to record it, but my guitar playing isn’t where I’d like it to be yet. The parts are simple and if I wasn’t so busy or worried about other things I’d have had it done by now…

Parting

“You’ve gotten all you can” he said.
“And now we are at end.”

But tell me, is it your faith or does it just make sense?
When I walk away does it mean everything will have been fixed?

Or maybe we’ve gone as far as I can reach
Little further beyond is complete silence…
Or maybe you keep from me a more simple truth –
You’ve gotten all you can from me and we have to be through

So how could I mention I’ve fallen from the sky?
How could I admit I still needed more time?

What a waste I’ve been…but you won’t see it bleed my eyes
I still love the other side
And you spill the rest of life in me
Once we’ve said goodbye.

 

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Find Your Own Way Out.

This painting I finished over the weekend. I like to use the cardboard backing of my sketch pads to paint on instead of throwing it away, so that’s what I did here. The image developed over several weeks of drawing on and off. I took a different approach with layering in different shades, mainly in the background. Sometimes I get so frustrated with choosing colors and I guess that was my way of getting around it a little this time.

Clarity

Will you quit prodding me with sticks?
Stop getting close and
Stroking your fingers beneath my chin

But you want to witness the worth for what you paid
The one soul broken scene defining my history
You bought me for my strength
And now the same as the creature beaten for its flame

One chained to an irresolvable hate…

Slow to settle down and slower to allow you to underestimate me
To disregard my clarity as if this were a game
You don’t believe I say it’s not simply okay to be okay
But I hope the day be soon by the scream I tear you into,
My breathlessness be felt

And desperate as I am to end,
It is sure to overwhelm.

——————–

I have new hire orientation tomorrow morning for a couple of hours. The appointment I had with my doctor earlier this week was a big help in calming my anxiety in anticipation of starting work. I’ve lost several nights of sleep worrying, but I think the worst of it is over with. I’m ready now.

 

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