“This cruel wanting…”

All week I’ve spent everyday working (slowly) on a new painting. I thought it would be ready by now, but not yet. Definitely next week though. The last few days have been very difficult. I’ve never been so close to making an attempt on my life as I was recently. I just can’t stand being aware of this anymore. That overall nothing has gotten better or changed for how long I’ve been trying and waiting. Wasting all this time hoping, as if I don’t already know how it ends.

Given Gains

It was like a courteous knock against the sky
I stand with my face up toward the weepiness
Trying to catch a drop of rain with an open eye

Exactly what it does is remember and remind of
How still we are in ruin when all cannot be made right
When even the bits left behind we don’t pretend will leave us fine
I see,
Just because I’ve risen does not mean I should survive.
How foolish it feels to collect oneself
Past this unbearable ache of breath
Once you’ve run out of time

When despite effort, the life
Given by your gains could not be kept, and
It is left to you to slip between this crumble of edge
To confirm: there is further death for one already so dead


So far I’ve been updating every Friday. I want to keep it that way, but if I’m gone for a month or two with no word, it will be clear what’s happened. It’s been so great having this place to share things. Nothing ever to worry about here…It’s safe and I truly appreciate that.



Filed under Life

2 responses to ““This cruel wanting…”

  1. Your a talented young woman. Depression is a disease that can be overcome. Keep searching for the right meds and just know someday you’ll come into the light. While it may walk with you on and off all your life, don’t ever let it rob you of what you have to offer to the world!

  2. i’ve been where u are and felt 100% sure i would never be better and normal and able to be happy again. BUT I AM! You are a caterpillar, you seem to need a long and painful metamorphisis. If you make it, you will emerge happier and stronger than before. Trust me I know, not many people can even begin to comprehend how horrible and terrifying those depths are.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s