All week I’ve spent everyday working (slowly) on a new painting. I thought it would be ready by now, but not yet. Definitely next week though. The last few days have been very difficult. I’ve never been so close to making an attempt on my life as I was recently. I just can’t stand being aware of this anymore. That overall nothing has gotten better or changed for how long I’ve been trying and waiting. Wasting all this time hoping, as if I don’t already know how it ends.
It was like a courteous knock against the sky
I stand with my face up toward the weepiness
Trying to catch a drop of rain with an open eye
Exactly what it does is remember and remind of
How still we are in ruin when all cannot be made right
When even the bits left behind we don’t pretend will leave us fine
Just because I’ve risen does not mean I should survive.
How foolish it feels to collect oneself
Past this unbearable ache of breath
Once you’ve run out of time
When despite effort, the life
Given by your gains could not be kept, and
It is left to you to slip between this crumble of edge
To confirm: there is further death for one already so dead
So far I’ve been updating every Friday. I want to keep it that way, but if I’m gone for a month or two with no word, it will be clear what’s happened. It’s been so great having this place to share things. Nothing ever to worry about here…It’s safe and I truly appreciate that.