Monthly Archives: February 2012

Until It Bleeds

A pastel drawing I did a few weeks ago. I finished a painting this week but have to wait for a sunnier day to get a good shot of it (I like using natural light). The lines below were written back in the summer that I just held onto from uncertainty.

The Sweet

You have me believe in the skeleton key
Yet every room encountered contains flavorless fog
It feels trapped within the frightened pause before is broken the next song
But I don’t know about it
I miss these hints of wrong
The thread thin and whisper bent constructs fail to converge
A weakness made aware of; the fall need not be far to hurt

Thank you – I now know of love, whipped for my every admission
Here, stressing the esteem in preferring to lie
You could have warned I close my eyes
You’ve occupied your time preaching to deviant-damned
With a most compelling urge to contort my reach of aura
The shifting swimming blends of darkest purple and pitch
I, the bloated sweet thrust before the glutton
The offering to be sacrificed soul
The one you’ll use to cover with, keeping safe your own

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Finally good news to share; I was offered a position as a Pharmacy Technician that I immediately accepted. I’ll probably be starting within the next week or two and by then I hope to have my nerves in check-I can’t mess this up. I’m trying to keep my confidence up and not get in my own way this time. Just take each thing as it comes, be patient with myself and remember how badly I’ve needed this chance, how long I’ve waited…

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Say You Will

This portrait is based off a striking photo I came across and loved. The expression looks a bit crazier than the actual picture, but I’ve never been the best with drawing faces (or anything for all it matters) and the amount of shading was something new for me to figure out. I started this as practice before I began work on another, more complex expression. New lines below. My confidence has disappeared when it comes to what I’ve been writing. One of those times when I see it best to burn every draft and try to forget I ever tried.

A Poisoning

Often and perhaps always
The despot of your soul
Much as I’d like to let go –
You stagnate the whole continuum
And refuse growth,

So with modified approach –
The parasite and sickened host,
Ally turned enemy – I darkened the dream
And seep deep into your base
Awakening its scream
In waxing phase, its scathing wave of
Scorpionic tendencies

Your lesson: a sepsis of mirror and memory
With violet eyes and my seductive, come hither grin
I am felt.
We begin.
You succumb to the chaos within.

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Someday, the light will break through…

The painting above is the first I’ve completed in several weeks. Just an idea I wanted to see though. I actually learned a lot by working on this- lots of shading within the flower, extra details I’ve never tried before. Below is the last song I’ve finished. More about the lyrics is written in my first music page (at the bottom) but basically one night I spent time thinking about how badly I take the kind words of others, anything nice or the simplest of compliments. And it led me to see how unkind I always am to myself, something I guess I’ve mentioned before enough. There is no compassion when I mess up or have a set back and I take it too far. Anyway, I’m still embarrassed and know it’s probably hard to relate to, but feel free to listen (I apologize for my voice).

Together We Go

Don’t even think so
She’ll never sign for it
Though it would make the difference
Your sickened heart might make it one more day

But the unkindness of her is cruel and sure
And she would never sign it over for you
She’ll lend nothing to help you make it through

And for the best, you must agree
Only worthy in your weakness
Overtaken, held down and hollowed out
More for every moment of hell endured

Be made better, my love…Quiet now your screams
Truth again is surfacing
Close your eyes, remember me
I’ve promised you peace

When all fear has bled and the need removed
I will follow through

When cold and lone be the given light,
Love for life never be known
Together we await a dream all our own
A found place far beneath
We drift the way of fallen wings
This secret of my keep
This secret of me

Together we go
Together we find home

http://www.box.com/s/31vvlf23jvq5x2rk0szc

Still working on some new drawings. It shouldn’t take me so long to finish the next and begin painting. I scheduled another appointment for a little over a week from now. There’s always a bit of shame when I contact my doctor for scheduling. I really hate that feeling and by now should be over things like this…

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“This cruel wanting…”

All week I’ve spent everyday working (slowly) on a new painting. I thought it would be ready by now, but not yet. Definitely next week though. The last few days have been very difficult. I’ve never been so close to making an attempt on my life as I was recently. I just can’t stand being aware of this anymore. That overall nothing has gotten better or changed for how long I’ve been trying and waiting. Wasting all this time hoping, as if I don’t already know how it ends.

Given Gains

It was like a courteous knock against the sky
I stand with my face up toward the weepiness
Trying to catch a drop of rain with an open eye

Exactly what it does is remember and remind of
How still we are in ruin when all cannot be made right
When even the bits left behind we don’t pretend will leave us fine
I see,
Just because I’ve risen does not mean I should survive.
How foolish it feels to collect oneself
Past this unbearable ache of breath
Once you’ve run out of time

When despite effort, the life
Given by your gains could not be kept, and
It is left to you to slip between this crumble of edge
To confirm: there is further death for one already so dead

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So far I’ve been updating every Friday. I want to keep it that way, but if I’m gone for a month or two with no word, it will be clear what’s happened. It’s been so great having this place to share things. Nothing ever to worry about here…It’s safe and I truly appreciate that.

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