The Disease Becomes Identity

Indite

Didn’t I used to be
The hidden giggle
Pin pricking the beast?

I used to be thick shadowy claws
Scraping against your thoughts as if
I were locked in a sweltering coffin
Prematurely tossed into this hell

You weren’t supposed to be so close,
Enough that I should follow
You weren’t supposed to so easily unfold
How is it I’ve crept in and taken hold?

Yet, I am sickeningly satisfied.
I like the sharp sting. I like hearing
Your muffled growls, to be
Singed by your maddening

You sloppily try crawling from
The expectant white page
But I am quick to grab at
Your reckoned letter ends

I press down hard
And bleed the imprint
I have to write you in.

————

A new painting above which has some personal meaning, having to do with depression becoming a person’s whole identity they believe in. No longer viewing it as an illness that they have which can be overcome or managed somehow, but seeing it as who they are now –  what it’s made them can never be changed or get better. That’s just how I sometimes think of things myself in dealing with it. Not always do I remember depression is an illness; it’s not just me 100% being a cold and terrible person all the time.

The poem is also newer. A strange one I guess, but I had fun writing it.

I’m a little scared right now for saying this but I’ve posted two new pages filled with the songs I’ve written along with direct links to the recordings. Something my therapist mentioned a while ago about things people create/do not really existing if no one else knows or is there to share it with. We were talking about something else but the point could be made for how I’ve only talked so far about having songs I sing, never sharing them so openly. So I think this is a positive step. I’m scared but will get over it.

Every song I’ve worked on so far is posted within those pages, Music 2 being set aside for more of the older songs/recordings. I’m planning to post more often new art/poems since there’s so much and I’ve got the time still.

Progress is happening, but it’s slow going. I’m still waiting to see.

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2 Comments

Filed under Life

2 responses to “The Disease Becomes Identity

  1. I spent a good couple minutes taking in the wonderfully projected colour-scape of the above painting. I really am quite partial to all your works in which a lone eye is emerging from various backgrounds, they are lovely!

    The poem & underlying theme of this whole post about no longer be able to distinguish between the illness & identity really hits home for me at this time too.

    I look forward to listening to the posted tracks when I’ve got some time

    • Hey :) Thank you for taking a look. I’m glad I’m not the only one who’s experienced some of the issues/thoughts mentioned. I know it’s all not easily understood unless you’ve gone through it or it’s close to you somehow… Thanks again.

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