One Secret Never to Escape Me -10/21/2011
The above drawing was sketch #34 from the batch of 40 I worked on when I was away from home in October. Every one of them were just random ideas. I thought this one fit okay with my thoughts behind the poem below, which I’d say is probably a bit disturbing from other things I’ve written but I consider that a good thing for where it comes from. A few months ago I’d worked on a set of poems written through different voices-I guess I’d call them- of my personality having to do with how I treat myself. The one here is taken with a Ninth of Swords tarot card interpretation loosely in mind. Cruelty–a great lack of compassion and being trapped in a bad situation with the worst being repeated again and again. I’d rather explain this than to share this poem along with the others in the set than have it assumed I just wrote down random lines and put a title to them. They all connect with something I was so relieved to give words to at the time.
I gather my own offerings
Fleshy fruit of
Hearts carved into
With my breath
Deliberate swell, I am in good health
I birth scores of your selves and
Have fed upon many
Their juicy excess I rinse from my lips and hands
And leave you without the chance to separate and
Dispossess your deadened reflection
Most were just infants – I tethered their heads
Severing all arms and legs
Gnawed and savored bone…
They must never grow old
Mistakes spat from the earth at the end crossroad
And the wish lingers
Bitter cold crisp after these sunsets
Rusted crowns still bound to me
Scavenging lesser identities
Of lesser obedience, lesser discipline
They gleam most content over
Half unraveled commitments
Small, shimmery riddles
And empty fulfillments
Her nightmare vision and
Ninth sword’s imprisonment
Somewhere beyond are whispers in ritual dance
We’ve captured our prey
Creature entranced with an ache
Tinctured by its find of my domain
It does you no good here to lie
To shape shift or outwit
This web of
Working on some new lyrics at the moment. Sort of fell into another song, but do see a way to finish and record before too much time passes. Unfortunately I’m settling into believing I don’t have that kind of time anymore, though I’m really just refusing to allow myself anymore time. Nobody else is here to tell me “hurry up” so I’ve got to be the one and make a decision.
Didn’t I used to be
The hidden giggle
Pin pricking the beast?
I used to be thick shadowy claws
Scraping against your thoughts as if
I were locked in a sweltering coffin
Prematurely tossed into this hell
You weren’t supposed to be so close,
Enough that I should follow
You weren’t supposed to so easily unfold
How is it I’ve crept in and taken hold?
Yet, I am sickeningly satisfied.
I like the sharp sting. I like hearing
Your muffled growls, to be
Singed by your maddening
You sloppily try crawling from
The expectant white page
But I am quick to grab at
Your reckoned letter ends
I press down hard
And bleed the imprint
I have to write you in.
A new painting above which has some personal meaning, having to do with depression becoming a person’s whole identity they believe in. No longer viewing it as an illness that they have which can be overcome or managed somehow, but seeing it as who they are now – what it’s made them can never be changed or get better. That’s just how I sometimes think of things myself in dealing with it. Not always do I remember depression is an illness; it’s not just me 100% being a cold and terrible person all the time.
The poem is also newer. A strange one I guess, but I had fun writing it.
I’m a little scared right now for saying this but I’ve posted two new pages filled with the songs I’ve written along with direct links to the recordings. Something my therapist mentioned a while ago about things people create/do not really existing if no one else knows or is there to share it with. We were talking about something else but the point could be made for how I’ve only talked so far about having songs I sing, never sharing them so openly. So I think this is a positive step. I’m scared but will get over it.
Every song I’ve worked on so far is posted within those pages, Music 2 being set aside for more of the older songs/recordings. I’m planning to post more often new art/poems since there’s so much and I’ve got the time still.
Progress is happening, but it’s slow going. I’m still waiting to see.
Sketch #6 “Biding My Time”…9/24/2011
The cruel dream
You make it seem all is to be
Sky blue morning
Be driven further in
And still you believe
Even as the scabs are peeled back
And I go from
Sick to sickest
It lands and settles in
Still, the better you’ve expected
Your honey halo – simply one more hoop
I have been forced to jump through
To say ‘Think light, think of life.’
Say ‘It won’t take me – I can’t die…’
While everything I was is savored and sucked
From between your teeth and tongue
The scene ignoring my circumstances now
Your spilling of rose to rinse me down
Alive here leaves me with
No way out
Finally finished editing every sketch. Now I’m working on uploading my music and creating a new page for the ones I want to include here. Should be done with that soon enough, hopefully. The poem is also a newer one. It came about when I was looking out of my window one day and saw this perfect morning sky, sunny and fresh. But I was feeling pretty terrible that day and didn’t appreciate the brightness so much. Anyway, I plan to begin a new portrait this weekend sometime, if the music page thing I’m trying to do doesn’t take too long.
Bubbling, crackling peel and flow
Spilling to the floor
Lazy and ruinous expressions show
Lit by their ugliness,
Sockets hollowed out
Within seconds a beautiful collapse is caught
Its thin blood streams never fully make the fall away
From the ache in the black wick’s curl
Twitching slits made harmless and
Startled from this world
An older painting I updated. The poem is something small I just thought went with it which I wrote years ago after I watched a candle spill apart once in my room. Anyway though, there are new written things as well I’m just holding off on. Haven’t sorted out the right images to pair with them or figured out what to do with my sketches quite yet.
Also I’ve made updates to both the Art and Black and White Photos pages above.