Little I Care…

Though little I care to survive
However it matters, it happens, I get by
What more do you want from me?
What more do I have to be?

The drawing above is sketch #10 from 9/28/11, finished a few days before I left town. Those lines beneath it are lyrics to a song I finished the day after. Below is a newer bit of writing I’ve let sit for awhile. I know it’s long but every part is necessary and I’ve gotten better about stripping down these things now. Sometimes too many words can make it just as confusing as not having enough.

Crux of an Exchange

Never knowing
As simply as you do
Never previously placing yourself in these shoes
In my clothes – snug in my skin
And weighed well with my lack of importance

Look down, look about and notice the lines
Feel the mess of map each rough blade has left behind
The worn claws of tearing at firmly fixed discontents
And my feverish pleading squeaks from within…
All to kill this hatred…

I waste in the ruins of my self-respect

One artful look between, compiling our differences
I settle and a dim, weathered glass lends to coat my eyes
It will not be spoken – no further explanation
If you just wear my wounds you will know what I meant

And already you may know what’s been going on
But one word wrong and I’ll swear you off
One fresh mention and I’ll not again allow one glimpse
There will be no trust

But it’s been obvious the warnings I give beam refracted
Full potentials you don’t see when
The lights are on and razors edge rests far from the wrist
The feel of it is cheap; I dare not bleed before day
Too reminded of shame…that crispy sizzle in my veins

Your life, the make and matter I was imagined to be

Now – spilling steady, tick by click the beat
Of rich, red and concentrated soul-filled breath
Softly and lovingly lulling me from self
The mercifully flung awareness of great upset

Its strict obediences, norms, needs and rush
Into place, for the perfect fit
To exist here ever satisfied

So passionlessly lit

————–

I do have my license now, finally. Got back home last weekend and have been having a difficult time adjusting to life at home again. It’s the same ‘nothing’ as before. No job, no car, no point, and now I’m not even going to therapy since I said I’d be out of town for weeks, as I was. He sort of sent me off, saying I may not even need his help anymore. That alone made me feel a bit thrown away even though that’s not how it was meant. I just didn’t have that much faith in myself as he seemed to have had that I would be okay from now on. I feel awful about this enough though. I should be alright, but I’ve failed at this again.

Well, a decision has been made. The deadline has been moved and that’s the end of it.

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2 Comments

Filed under Life

2 responses to “Little I Care…

  1. This is a post that will stay with me a long time indeed. The sketch is stunning! It immediately brings to mind “love” of all things, as though the day I see my decimated reflection in that realm it will be a gal looking she does…

    “Though little I care to survive
    However it matters, it happens, I get by
    What more do you want from me?
    What more do I have to be?”

    Those lines also reflect where my mental outlook resides much of the time now.

    The poem I think is very well versed & the length suits it completely. I know this is a lot of praise but from the perspective of someone as depressed as I it’s like an art exhibit showcase the raw truth of the state & as such I can’t appreciate it enough!

    Anyway be as well as you can be,

    Peace~Adjei

    • This comment will stay with me for a long time :) Thank you so much, Adjei. I’m grateful for even the slightest of interest from sharing these things here. I know it’s like the same tired things said or shown a little differently, but it’s just not out of me yet…lol
      You please be well and take care as well, okay. You’re in my thoughts and I hope to talk again soon.

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