Though little I care to survive
However it matters, it happens, I get by
What more do you want from me?
What more do I have to be?
The drawing above is sketch #10 from 9/28/11, finished a few days before I left town. Those lines beneath it are lyrics to a song I finished the day after. Below is a newer bit of writing I’ve let sit for awhile. I know it’s long but every part is necessary and I’ve gotten better about stripping down these things now. Sometimes too many words can make it just as confusing as not having enough.
Crux of an Exchange
As simply as you do
Never previously placing yourself in these shoes
In my clothes – snug in my skin
And weighed well with my lack of importance
Look down, look about and notice the lines
Feel the mess of map each rough blade has left behind
The worn claws of tearing at firmly fixed discontents
And my feverish pleading squeaks from within…
All to kill this hatred…
I waste in the ruins of my self-respect
One artful look between, compiling our differences
I settle and a dim, weathered glass lends to coat my eyes
It will not be spoken – no further explanation
If you just wear my wounds you will know what I meant
And already you may know what’s been going on
But one word wrong and I’ll swear you off
One fresh mention and I’ll not again allow one glimpse
There will be no trust
But it’s been obvious the warnings I give beam refracted
Full potentials you don’t see when
The lights are on and razors edge rests far from the wrist
The feel of it is cheap; I dare not bleed before day
Too reminded of shame…that crispy sizzle in my veins
Your life, the make and matter I was imagined to be
Now – spilling steady, tick by click the beat
Of rich, red and concentrated soul-filled breath
Softly and lovingly lulling me from self
The mercifully flung awareness of great upset
Its strict obediences, norms, needs and rush
Into place, for the perfect fit
To exist here ever satisfied
So passionlessly lit
I do have my license now, finally. Got back home last weekend and have been having a difficult time adjusting to life at home again. It’s the same ‘nothing’ as before. No job, no car, no point, and now I’m not even going to therapy since I said I’d be out of town for weeks, as I was. He sort of sent me off, saying I may not even need his help anymore. That alone made me feel a bit thrown away even though that’s not how it was meant. I just didn’t have that much faith in myself as he seemed to have had that I would be okay from now on. I feel awful about this enough though. I should be alright, but I’ve failed at this again.
Well, a decision has been made. The deadline has been moved and that’s the end of it.