Monthly Archives: August 2011

Without chance, without change.

This is a revision of a painting originally completed some years ago but I wanted to share the final version. Just last week I finished up a new painting finally along with something I wrote which is still being edited. Anyway, below are lyrics to a little tune I worked on with my piano. For whatever reason it’s as if I wrote this from the perspective of a guardian or an angel type of thing, someone witnessing but set apart in a way that leaves them not really able to know or see the truth.

 

All We Expect of Hope

More should be done

You’ve had enough space
Your lifts in darkness and desperate escapes
With enough slips of your blade
You’ve had enough time spent getting your way

And where have the rest of us gone?
With our wings and eyes full of light – we are so set apart
And no one to witness,
No one was there to mark your fall
To hear as you heard the moment death began to call

And oh how you’ve listened…
How fiercely you’ve latched on and taken off with the shade
From the waste of patience, beyond risk and wrong
Leaving behind the place you’ve always known you don’t belong

And we stood still, hearts of a weightless fill
Swollen with all we expect of hope
But there is no better than what is
No more than what’s already been given

And you say love is no reason to stay
You, our broken promise – without chance, without change
We couldn’t keep you safe
Far above, lost to the sun,

We gave you up

————————-

I’m still seeing a psychiatrist every week for therapy. Still taking medication, waiting, waiting, waiting, still…for anything to happen. Better yet, to make something happen.

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Take Flight

 

I took this shot from a moving car. I just looked up and saw a bird formation in the clouds and couldn’t pass up the chance to capture a photo of it…lol Couldn’t believe it.  Below is something longer that I wrote a couple of months ago. I figured I should share it now otherwise it’ll be buried forever beneath everything else I’m trying to sort out.

 
Forgotten

A sacred place
We splay our faith
We made sure there was room
Spread out, so that nothing else would ever touch you
One sane layer and you became our part
A solid grip; a rooted soul

Risen up from far below

You are brisk breath and beat
Every act and its opposite frees your way to speak
This is all you know before you fall to sleep
Before the eye opened and sky poured a fill of dreams
Of loves and loss and memories all true yet not your own
As those above say to reach and say you need a new home
You can’t be good or right until you twinkle star bright
And fear what life here means alone

From it far impressed upon your flesh
Agate shattered and swished throughout the blood
The weakness, we were sure, would be your strength in the end
When you would know mercy and remember us again
Torn down to reconnect,

Uncover the forgotten…

Shadowers sound, thick and sharp rattling your will
Ready or not, your limbs are bound
Devoured higher mind; a vengeful heat claws out your eyes
Your crown was no exchange
You’ve no choice, no authority
With every new discipline you grow further impatient
Bypassing all wise and wealth granted by this way
But right now you say it’s worth it
The stranger’s call was urgent and they promised to replace a missing piece
Without a clue they intend to cheat you

Garden turned atrocity…
Tall blooms smoked colorless and numb
The horrifying thinness and stark dismemberment of our great tree
How can you remain so small? So thoughtless, so un-evolved when
Every offering feeds your flame?

When every center stakes your claim?

———————-

 

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Of Every Sky


Of Every Sky

They are not there when you look at them
Above like that and all around, as if they are better

And they are better
Because they are all dead

Bled light of godless eyes
The known lifeless of every sky

I wait for them to go out; one right after another
Watching as our grasp of meaning loosens us unsure

We found what we did not expect to find
The spirits of our dead now beginning to die

—————

I am seeing a psychiatrist now. On new medication. Working on a picture I’ve painted before, but that I’m redoing. Making it how it should have been for all these years. I’ve considered it my last for weeks now, but we’ll see.

This isn’t easy…Turning back once a mind is made up the way mine has been isn’t easy to just do or accept. But I’ve still got time. I will see what direction the next few weeks go. All I can do is wait.

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And Again

Those Many Voices

The exit you have yet to find
Why drop your hints? Why take the time?

We’re too young or too old or we’re too far away
We can’t help and will not try—not for you, not today
But just like yesterday we say perhaps tomorrow
Then, again drop us those lines we have no doubt you borrowed

The illness – this “condition” I call it fake
And those scars…somehow you drew them upon your veins
Any doctor will be from your own pocket to pay
I will not encourage it; that is money I’ll not waste

You‘ve been through nothing
Just accept what you are told to be
Need only what I say you need
Just say that you are happy

They say you should go somewhere and hide
Trouble you make here, no one’s on your side
May as well go split your skin – bitch about and cry
What a treat – what sweet relief if you went on and died

Ask yourself ‘If its real then where’s the suicide?’
Think back—how many times have you even truly tried?…

———–

The poem is one I wanted to get off my mind and post already before I lost the nerve. I know how it sounds and I cringe, but hey- I’m not perfect, and I punish myself for it everyday. The photo above it is a kind of cactus I did a little digital editing to.

Went to the doctor yesterday, got referred to a psychiatrist, have new medication, and it’s official: I am underweight. Someone telling me this doesn’t make much of a difference though, it seems. I still did my biking this morning and still, 12 hours later now have yet to eat a thing.

Psych. appointment Friday afternoon.

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