Monthly Archives: June 2011

A Scream in the Night

I Promised

The edge of an aged, old blade
Its rust will flake away for me

Old friend, remember what I said?
The next time we met—
Not another night could pass
Not one more mark I make can live to see tomorrow

For too long they’ve been front view gates
Opened wide to the dark of my grave

Look my way, this time a plan surrounds
The ache in my voice, of my frame as I go
And run them out for you,
I break further down for you

———-

An old painting I’ve been thinking about lately. Memories and where all of these things come from…just been on my mind. Too much of my time is spent coping with life and living rather than actually living. I live as if I don’t deserve a life. Believing I don’t for so long – everything is rougher, colder, even the familiar faces I fear will turn at any moment. Where nothing good is guaranteed and every difficulty is a given. Worse can be counted on. How there’s anything human or alive left escapes me. I wait now. The day will get here and I will be what I must be when it does.

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Breathe

The Hook

You should know it doesn’t matter now
Neither you nor the rest can say what it’s about

I swear to you it’s easy; you won’t ever need to try
You have a chance to live through someone else’s mind
Just take a verse from this book and it will change your life

But once it was my turn I was ready on the other side
No one saw me soak the page and set the rest alight
I’ve laid my head down. I’ve closed my eyes
I met the final dreaming and I broke through the sky

Give in— make your mistakes; everything’s a sign
Relief from miseries must wait; the Gods will take their time.
The way we play each other…our dead soul and missing limb
So yes, you will fight
They must respect the myth

The honor is your mindless bow,
To love a loveless kiss

———-

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Round and round…

 

Too Late

All the screws are loose
They lie out on the table
It’s too quiet and I’m supposed to know what to do
But one of the walls moved
Now all the pieces shift

With a hiss, chaotic and
Round and round they go
Worry swells from the control I am no longer with
As much as I try to ignore
It slips and breaks onto the floor
The lights are on and it’s too late to change or to want more

It was never best that I cover up
But I fear letting you know
And the life after if I ever let it show
That I’ve never been together

Still, your eyes come to see
And I whisper to you ‘Don’t look down.’
Approach no further – walk back out
Just one more moment and I’ll reset
I’ll be all better soon

I promise…

 

———

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Take Her Down


Compassion Spent

Unreal…
She thinks she’s got it hard
But don’t you mind that blood and scar
She will never go too far

Don’t tell me I should listen
I’m as cold as I’ve been taught
If you don’t want help then be that sin
Shame those tears, slip that knot
But don’t bother me again

I laugh – no one believes you
This “agony” has not lost you your head
You have everything; undeserving I’d say
The way you play—you want the pain
You get in your own way

Sad, poor pathetic soul, no I can’t relate
Where is your God, little one?
Tell me, just where is your strength?
So absent you have been in faith
You only have yourself to blame

Your distance outside allows it
This world has you to hate, and
We will call you our mistake for which
Compassion spent is meaningless
You with a life never made sense

——————–

Older painting…

I’m sure it’s unattractive, but I do hate myself terribly sometimes. I’m not trying to attract anyone anyway though. Well enough when nothing really matters.

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For the Years I See

For the Years I See

The worries of bitten lips and
Drawn stories marking my wrists
The hits and brutal slits of unwell
In terrifying ways I hurt myself

The way I’m thrown in – to breathe – to cope
Long lasts the numbness if ever I don’t

Make sense of me,
Why do I fight the desperate reaching from inside?
Parts far past beg I don’t just let myself die
I would breakdown, blood within blood
Yet, still not enough to cry

There remains pride for the secrets and lies
I burn and bury every good self to hide
There was truth to what it said
Those words of one voice for every faithless
Sleepers tumbling to the sea, as one move devastates
Awake now though motionless, cold and without pain

With eyes a little brighter – frozen over and true
A fool I’ve been for an old wish yet to have its time
Wasted, for the years I see weren’t
Worth the sacrifice

————-

A drawing titled “Spun Flame”, finished about two months ago from semi-hard pastel–still trying to get rid of the same old box. Working on a new drawing now.

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By Evening

Bed Time

My head is being eaten by the
Creatures of dark water
Swimming away with pieces of brain
Stuck between their teeth

I’ll smile and pretend today
Then at night, red lines I’ll contemplate
A routine of guilt, it is how I live
They know how to forgive my ungratefulness

Do I have to wake up to hear the clouds whine?
About being so heavy and grey for the sky?
No problem, at least they can still move
I’ve been terrified the rest just believe the sky is blue

They just believe what’s said is true…

And no, I don’t have a story for you, Sissy Jane
So go on, take you medicines, go ahead to sleep
You won’t feel the bed bugs bite tonight
And don’t ever let the nightmares scare the iris from your eye

———–

Both here I just didn’t want to forget about. The painting is pretty old and was almost thrown away before I took a decent second look at it. And this poem has a personal meaning not worth getting into, but the way it’s written is without much hesitation–which is why I prefer it over the newer mess of lines I’m working with now. And as much as I cringed over starting a new drawing, I have finally. I like it so far, but with the amount of failed attempts I just hope I see a way to complete it this time. Most difficult thing has been getting my mind distracted from certain things I’m beginning to obsess over. I’ve truly got to get out of this somehow.

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Is It Over Yet?

 
Word of a Picture

The ill bone, energies ache
A mind punctured into an unnatural drain
Stunned into pains difficult to explain

Taken down, a throw away,
I’ve never been awake
My eyes were closed for the face I gave

Long hours peel without any intake
Engrossed by the stream of voice these memories create
Stand near me,

Hear the insides scream to die
So nervous, uncertain and desperate in my crime
I should have decided sooner, pay no mind to goodbyes

Beyond all other matters my message was sent
‘Find me now – I am sick –
Please get me to the end’

——-

What a week.Watching all sorts of things go on with my family–it’s always other people…

I’ve been fasting, one small meal a day, along with over exercising. I do want to go too far. I really do. This thought that I am nothing has really taken the lead. I feel nothing, do nothing, want nothing so I should look like nothing. I need to get there. Running through my mind. I don’t really talk much about my personal life anymore here, but what real harm will an update do? It’s all okay. It’s all just talk, until it isn’t. And things will go on just as beautifully as they always have.

This painting was completed about two weeks ago. A real mess to finish, so I guess the title suits.

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