Monthly Archives: April 2011

Somewhere Atop Something

———                                                                                                                                 ———

A careless drift
One wind into another
Those below don’t care for the times I’ve fallen
From their building tops or great bridges
Honored monuments and wonders

It’s the ones who are opposed and have to make it known…
As they vomit their opinions, I run away sick
I grab the constant current and wrap it round my neck
I have to give this meaning
Summoning the scene, my every try and suicide
We’re all in the end against what we truly are

A warning of warped old ships upon the horizon,
I’ve dreamed
Somewhere atop something, yes, again I’m here to try
Sick greens splatter behind gathering storm clouds
My gods simmer with their loud woken yawns above
Just as light has the evil, darkness has a heart
Immortal years blend into its eyes and skin

My wrists… my gushing veins…distress I give this world
When the wounds heal too quickly I open them again
Senseless murders scatter about,
New psychotic breaks
This world that I hate…
It’s no one’s fault – then everyone’s –
Then no one’s fault, it’s on and on and not meant to transcend
Their nature I’ve learned to expect – not understand

But there’s a flow they lap too fast,
They’re always dying off
The night falls, befriends with ease and bends the mind so wrong
Poor things linger, and hope makes a fool of…
See this life and it’s theme of all kinds of suffering
Strung along for a dream never to be reached
For love is conditional, the always dimmed fulfillment
Languid motivation and
Sorrows of success

———-

The poem above was started probably two years ago, just thought it was ready to be seen now. And the photo was taken after a storm a few weeks ago.

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Drained

Say

The good ones always tell me what eats away inside
Saying ‘Fall for the rise; give meaning to this life.’

The true self to find I have only lived to hide
I listen for the dying days within the flesh, the sore and pain
To hush away the cries
Possessed with every reason I am what I deny

Once enough has been given to all that you hate
You forget your one authority; you have the final say

And somehow I am never caught
There has always been a way
To escape my turn and the call of my name
Their cheap sell for all they see, a weak chain…

I’ve broken free; one slave not worth the chase
And far too far out of reach

——–

An old painting I did a long time ago trying to explain how I felt.

I am not doing too well. The journal bit below is all I can come up with at the moment for the reasons why, silly as it is to even try sorting this out anymore.

I realize as long as I am still alive there will be some kind of hope within that I will not be able to ignore. And that is becoming the biggest problem of all now. Failure and rejection are not just “part of life” but they’ve becoming all I expect and it wasn’t like that before. Not the heated, angry and sharp form it’s taken, rolling around in my mind, disturbing my memories and being a voice to what was previously very dead and put to rest.

This goes beyond where I thought it ended. I can live as I am or die as I am. Change doesn’t mean a damn thing to me anymore, neither does hope nor love or family. Like a child in a place they shouldn’t have come across, I’m exploring where I’m not supposed to be. Too many poisonous fumes for me to breathe…glass shards to slip on…there’s a floor rotting through waiting for just the right amount of weight.

April 25th has passed. I should not have let that happen.

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Cling

Cling

Can I hang onto you for a while?
You’ve not hurt me yet, but you will want to
There is nothing here for you
And you’ll learn to regret all the time you’ve spent listening
—There are cutting words you’ve held back

I’m pathetic and remind you of all things helpless
Of the hopeless and all the other ones you hate to notice
I am weak and I am worthless, and as you say
This broken life is one that I have chosen

And I don’t speak as I am spoken for
I’m dying cold outside your door
You raise your head and must be strong
And step on those below who crawl…
You’ll have a heart of blackened blood or have no heart at all

And shame on me as I am not bottled up
I drip and melt in poisons of both our souls
In violent breaths passed between memory’s shadows
I’m holding on though you have let me go

——–

The painting is a newer version of something I completed years ago; I thought it went okay with the poem which isn’t but a few months old, part of a separate little collection I sorted through.

This week is going to have an answer for me. And if it doesn’t, then I have a fix for that too. You know how it is. You hang in there as long as you can, but it can’t be forever. And even change does not erase the very end.

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Charm

Bits I Recognize

There are things I’m not ready to speak about
And I could say what, but I would not be believed
Trying to make it real for them has taken so much of me
The bits are all I recognize – the occasional scream…

A significant weakening,
But that’s what being open means
Reintroduce the mysteries; there is a moon and sky

There is a pull that happens here and I’m learning not to fight…

Their normal air against my skin is painful enough
Is it truly a fault I have not fallen for love?
You want to tell me what I am not supposed to need
And the way toward others I have yet to seek

But your say will never make it so
To feel again, remember life or clear my sickly clouded eyes
A telling I don’t follow.

Perhaps there was a time I knew
What it meant to be fine
Yet still voiceless and without choice,
It’s easier to die

——————

The picture here is very old, one of the first paintings that ended up as a digital piece, inverted and with a color variation. The poem is newer, but already months old really. The amount of time I take to edit things keeps it that way, but it keeps me from sharing anything I’ll regret showing later on and I need that, especially now.

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The Morning Bird

Dreamed

Deeply buried
One memorable dream
Of which I woke from smiling

There were sparkling blues and
Romantic hues of caramel and red

Of warmth and authentic grins
Sweetness… oblivion…

Destroyed with me, reborn with me
This place of home and harmony

Strange moments of grace and grand
Open and free; I take my chance

 

I started the painting as something random to work on, but then it started to take a strange shape, reminded me of a bird and I finished it with that in mind. The title is from a Sade song I love by the same name, just thought it fit.

Some of the lyrics of that song…

How could you?
You are the morning bird
Who sang me into life everyday
Fly away…

———–

As for the poem, the “I take my chance” is something I relate to the risk I’ve taken recently in placing much of my art and photos online to sell as prints. It’s really the largest ‘gallery’ of everything I’ve done over the years. I’m excited to share so much of it, but nervous. It’s one of those moments where I fear being hated for one thing or another, but I just need to remember it’s about the art. I’m not trying to prove anything to anyone, it is what it is and I’ve worked steadily for months now to make it the best I know how. I broke the categories up into four sections, Paintings PhotosVarious (includes both art & photos and just extra stuff) – and Black and White. And as far as pricing goes, it’s based on the largest size I could make each image individually but everything is still customizable.

I doubt I’ll live to do anything more than this really…It’s been fun.

Here’s the link if you’d like to see. There’s a lot I have not posted here before.

http://www.zazzle.com/amongtheashes

So all there is left is one drawing to complete, then back to writing for a bit to tie up some loose ends.

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Over the Same

Bass Notes

Fragile but ugly
So by all means – break
Everyone will be angry if you wait

Never blessed by a breath of wings above
They know how cold you are; no one expects your love
No one cares for what you’ve done
And no one fears your setting sun

The bass notes we’ve become with scars upon our strings
Snap away – find a death in change
You would take no sound at all
Over the same

———

I am sick of being something that withers beneath the sunlight rather than something that flourishes within it. The last few days I’ve actually felt confidence and I don’t understand why or what is behind it. I went for an interview yesterday and for some reason think I can really do the job competently. Believing the opportunity to speak for myself was put before me for a reason, so I mustn’t ignore it. Part of my thoughts connect it possibly having to do with a point when you see as you begin to want everything it’s because you’re close to wanting nothing at all. The moments where I say ‘I can do this and that or I’ll try it all’ do worry me. I’ve been here before and move too quickly once a door has been opened. I rush out ridiculously, but with more life and passion than my normal days and weeks pass with, and I end up in a worse state for whatever it is I’ve foolishly gotten myself into. And I know this could go on for as long as I can still breathe. I can always hate myself more; I can always make a worse mistake and always hit a new low. I’ll never again settle with the notion I can never fall further.

This is the month. Something will change and it’s a promise I made to myself a long while ago.

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Heartless


Heartless

We hear the news
And after the words ruin the way they do
We hide behind a face
But the truth is still there and we are not okay
And all of our reasons refuse
It feels easier and right to lose

Your high mood and thoughts break loose
To trust is too much once you’ve fallen though
What you think now is not what you knew
And you shut your eyes and try to refute
Trying to will your spirit to move from here
To shift the stick of tears and complexities of years
Hoping a time of rest be near

There is no one else around to scare
And I am the only one alone enough to care
I take in your expressions of disbelief
Creased and asking, ‘Just what have you done to me?’
I thought you understood….There is a heart I do not have
With me, you find yourself down the long and lightless path.

———-

I had to redraw this Amy Lee portrait. The previous version just called for it. I finished it some weeks ago and just thought I’d post it along with a recent poem.

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