Two more weeks to go until my normal, part time work schedule begins. I’m still taking the medication I was prescribed, but it’s tough waiting for this stuff to work. And if/when it does, I don’t expect it to last but a few months anyway.
I doubt my ability to keep a job, that’s what’s been really nagging me. It’s like, if I can’t hold myself up this time, I’ll lose everything. For months I’ve been extremely detached from planning things, from seeing myself here two or three years from now…you know, surviving. Some may say I just need to get over this attitude, or that I’m too old to be this moody or whatever. All I can say is I’m trying to cover it up the best I can. I hate how the only thing I ever seem to say that I’m sure of is how finished I feel.
Here’s one that makes no sense….
Why, another day to endure
There’s admiration, lies they adore
Stiff smile, tense awkward walk
For the way, on a path without cause
There is a wish for death
For this world to fall in on itself
Motivations easily hacked away
The base, poor but un-wanting
When silence put time against its cheek
The sky became too heavy, solid ground too weak
Where this trust was no longer believed—
All seeds of a deep despondency
Grueling hours dangle from its eyes
Hopelessness absorbed through skin
A nightmare’s motionless terror
Better to die within