I found myself
I crawl now, I am weak
My rise and fall are steep
Recurring trip and fall to cheek,
The comfort of my failures at close length
Sorrow filled thoughts I seek, I keep…
Those dark beliefs I grieve, I need….
For all the ones who never see
How many times I bleed
They live for the rising sun
I breathe beneath the dying one
An inflamed impurity of my unspoken pain
I knot a chain of nerve to vein; the screams are kept contained
My secret’s until death—sustained,
With un-dissolving hate for myself
For being the mistake; surviving for the other’s sake…
Continuing to be the only one I hurt, I blame…
For owning the full illness
In every breath I take
I just finished this one. I may add music and make a song out of it one of these days. Because the song I’ve been working on forever is about to get thrown away if a better idea doesn’t find its way to me.
I made a mistake in taking more medication. I want to laugh at the joke I am for trying my best to ‘figure it out’, for trying to stay safe and mindful of my actions. I woke up today feeling so drugged–I didn’t want to move. I didn’t want to eat. May as well have been dead. Guess I’ll have to try something else. That’s all I have to keep me running in some way, even if at such a slow pace. Still here, as lost as ever.