Ellipsis


 

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Ellipsis

Face down,
I found myself
I crawl now, I am weak
My rise and fall are steep
Recurring trip and fall to cheek,
The comfort of my failures at close length
Sorrow filled thoughts I seek, I keep…
Those dark beliefs I grieve, I need….

For all the ones who never see
How many times I bleed

They live for the rising sun
I breathe beneath the dying one
An inflamed impurity of my unspoken pain
I knot a chain of nerve to vein; the screams are kept contained
My secret’s until death—sustained,
With un-dissolving hate for myself
For being the mistake; surviving for the other’s sake…
Continuing to be the only one I hurt, I blame…

For owning the full illness
In every breath I take

 

I just finished this one. I may add music and make a song out of it one of these days. Because the song I’ve been working on forever is about to get thrown away if a better idea doesn’t find its way to me.

I made a mistake in taking more medication. I want to laugh at the joke I am for trying my best to ‘figure it out’, for trying to stay safe and mindful of my actions. I woke up today feeling so drugged–I didn’t want to move. I didn’t want to eat. May as well have been dead. Guess I’ll have to try something else. That’s all I have to keep me running in some way, even if at such a slow pace. Still here, as lost as ever.

 

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3 Comments

Filed under Art, Death, depression, poems, poetry

3 responses to “Ellipsis

  1. I think this is definitely fitting for a song. I laughed about the part about ‘the rising sun’, because it is the truth. Sometimes it seems as though everyone else must be looking at a different world than the one I wake to every morning. I hate to think of it as perspective, but in a way it is. Like the sayings, ‘half empty’, or ‘half full’. I would say this is probably another one I’d add to my favorites list. There’s something about it.

    I hope that whatever you are working on doesn’t get thrown out. Maybe since you have been working on it so long, you need a break from it? Sometimes it is good to push things aside for later when they are beginning to feel uninspired to you for whatever reason.

    I’m glad you are being mindful of your own actions. I know what it’s like to consider any attempt at keeping yourself safe as nothing but a joke, but try to look at it as a fight you are winning. It’s a step forward to protect yourself, not a step back, even if it certainly seems that way sometimes.

  2. Would make a brilliant song

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