Monthly Archives: July 2009

Ellipsis


 

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Ellipsis

Face down,
I found myself
I crawl now, I am weak
My rise and fall are steep
Recurring trip and fall to cheek,
The comfort of my failures at close length
Sorrow filled thoughts I seek, I keep…
Those dark beliefs I grieve, I need….

For all the ones who never see
How many times I bleed

They live for the rising sun
I breathe beneath the dying one
An inflamed impurity of my unspoken pain
I knot a chain of nerve to vein; the screams are kept contained
My secret’s until death—sustained,
With un-dissolving hate for myself
For being the mistake; surviving for the other’s sake…
Continuing to be the only one I hurt, I blame…

For owning the full illness
In every breath I take

 

I just finished this one. I may add music and make a song out of it one of these days. Because the song I’ve been working on forever is about to get thrown away if a better idea doesn’t find its way to me.

I made a mistake in taking more medication. I want to laugh at the joke I am for trying my best to ‘figure it out’, for trying to stay safe and mindful of my actions. I woke up today feeling so drugged–I didn’t want to move. I didn’t want to eat. May as well have been dead. Guess I’ll have to try something else. That’s all I have to keep me running in some way, even if at such a slow pace. Still here, as lost as ever.

 

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Filed under Art, Death, depression, poems, poetry

Withered

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The past lives I used to dream…
Moon bitten, lost in lunacy

I don’t hear it telling you
That you’re the worst God’s given breath
There’s nothing alive left in me
My essence is dried up flesh

Buy me tears; buy me a beating
All the more sweet for distracting me
They hover low; I watch the angels thieve my wings
And off they go, dragging their feet

Now I am as bitter and old
As the death curl of a blackened rose
Ever there, as the gripping rope
Of a suffocating smoke

The ghost of a stolen soul
Away, in cold kisses blown, I go

 

This is one of the new ones I’ve written. Maybe I’m getting worse or maybe I’m just not getting any better, either way I sort of like this one. It sounds different to me and that’s what I’m trying to go for.

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Filed under Art, Death, personal, poems, poetry, Thoughts

After

My right ear
Against the floor of my cell
I’d know of it, if I could see
But my eyes aren’t open, and
It’s too late for me to breathe

The night’s resulting splay-
Vile liquid pooling from my lips
Cold crust sealing my eyes shut
Mind pouring in the end

I’ve gone, but the fan above continues
Its swaying motion of brokenness,
The world still throws itself dizzy, round and round
And the eyes of heaven’s darkness still burst and bleed

And somewhere a rain is falling. The heroes
Put away their faces and graze in dark solitude
In shame for the lives they can not admit
Could never have been saved

——

One of the newer ones but it’s from March, before I started class. It’s just finished today that’s all…I don’t know why, but I’m a little nervous about posting any of the more recent stuff I’ve written.  I guess I need to settle with the idea that I’m going to be writing about the same things, until something really changes in my life. I’m far too comfortable with writing about certain things. Even when I do attempt to write on a completely different topic, it always comes back to what’s familiar to me, if I make any sense with that. I’m working on it though.

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Filed under Death, pain, personal, poems, poetry, suicide, Thoughts