Lately…

Grief

 

For you, I will keep myself

Tightly chained, with ever

Sharpening self-hate

Held close, in ready blades

  

I am simply too sorry, to

Allow the shame to hide

Killed, is every single thought

Of warm, forgiving light

 

The clear path I walked upon

Dissolves in tears of grief

And I don’t want to heal and

Reemerge so changed or free

 

 

A poem about losing something/someone and not wanting to come back from the despair. I’ve been reading mythology lately, so maybe I can think of some better metaphors and add more color to my words again. With whatever nonsense I might have to say. I’m not feeling too well. Very much at the end of the line, again. By myself for too long, again and again. It’s all real. All terrible and stupid in it’s own way. I should be gone by now.

 

 

 

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1 Comment

Filed under Death, depression, Life, personal, poems, poetry, suicide, Thoughts

One response to “Lately…

  1. lucienlachance

    Quite frankly, I think it is beautiful the way it is. Your word choices are always excellent, whether you realize it or not.

    “And I don’t want to heal and
    Reemerge so changed or free”

    That’s the part that really stood out to me. People talk so much about change and how it’s good for you, or how being depressed is just a mood…. But when it’s all you’ve ever known, the thought of being normal is frightening. What is there after you heal, you know? That’s the question I always ask myself and other people. Once you reach your goal, what happens next? If I get a job then retire someday, I’m going to be right here, back where I started, and I don’t like it here. Then I just have to say, what the hell is the point?

    In the end–though I hate to be so fucking repetative–it is all the small things. If those can measure up and negate the less pleasureable aspects of life, then I suppose it might be worth it. I don’t know. I really don’t. This place means nothing to me, and the one thing I can’t figure out for the life of me, is why I continue to stay.

    I’m sorry for being depressing; but I want to tell you the truth. I won’t lie to you like I do to everyone else. Just keep going, you know? Just find anything…do anything…try to make yourself at least somewhat happy. I think that is supposed to be the point of all of this, to somehow find enjoyment in the smallest, most insignificant of things.

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