Who else feels like their anxiety makes them clumsier or more likely to make stupid mistakes?
I feel like that today, like it’s something I’ll never get rid of. And that scares me. I’ve been in orientation for the last two days for a new job and I feel like such a fool for the mistakes I’ve made that no one else has. Like this morning, I felt like a target the moment I stepped into the meeting room (that’s how it always feels though, when people are already in a room). I never had a second to take in my surroundings before I was told to sign in, causing me to feel as though I should rush for what ever reason. So I neglected to look at the sign just above the board that said ‘PRINT your name’ and I signed in with a signature. Now, I should have left it a signature, entered my time and left it at that, but no. My stupid mind thought it better to cross out the mistake, print my name in tiny letters then squeeze in my time somewhere near it all. It looked cramped and childish.
Well, from then on I was immediately embarrassed by everything I did. Whether it was looking at someone else or adjusting myself in my seat. I was not comfortable for the rest of the day.
I think I’m setting myself up for a major anxiety attack though. Everyone else today got schedules for the rest of their job orientation, but since my position is different I didn’t receive one and don’t know what the rest of the week is going to hold for me. And Thursday looks terrifying because it might be a day where I have to be at two separate locations, and I don’t have my own transportation, so I don’t know how I’ll make it from one place to the other in time…
I don’t want to give up, but then again I really do. I’m not taking any medication for this anxiety and I’m totally by myself. When it gets really bad I start to scratch my wrists or fidget, if I’m not already holding back tears or trying to hold off thoughts of how to punish myself for making more mistakes. That’s a problem I don’t know how to fix. I’ve never been good at asking the right questions or speaking up, but that’s what needs to happen right now and I just know I’m going to fail at it, along with everything else regarding this job.
It’s hard to breathe.

