Pieces of thought, so much still undone…

 

Broken

 

Shattered, aggression for no one to hear

Found in fragments,

 My ruin is mirrored

The air, hissing surprise and fear

A red impurity appears

 

My shards have all rained down on me

My limits left their injury

Discomfort,

Be my company

I leave these wounds to bleed

  

 This was written so long ago, it had a third set of lines but they seemed out of place, so I waited and edited a few times, then decided to scrap the third set completely. I think I get the point across, or some kind of point across. Anyway, I’m still working on some poems, pieces of thoughts and all. My confidence is pretty gone though.  

 

These numbers

Leave us broke

Too many people

Without hope

 

Watch it change,

A future slum

Seven shootings,

One grieving gun

 

Remember, pass

Around the blame

It’s our failure,

Our tragedy

 

This one is new, only a few weeks old. There was a news story in my city about seven shootings in one day. The cops thought it may have been a retaliation type thing after another shooting happened. Maybe it was drug related or gang related, or both. When I say it’s everyone’s failure and everyone is to blame I mean the entire frame and order of our society is part of the problem and partly to blame for the crime that goes on. Nothing and no one is completely clean, in my opinion.

 

In ruin, I lay

My hours pass in pain

I’ve live to see another day

      In wait, to die away

 

The red spill and dying will

Of every disgraced dream

All rests, in midnight’s secrecy

      All meant to die away

 

Only dark moods, one hopeless hue

It’s wrong that I still breathe

Holding on for nothing

      In wait, to die away

 

 And this one was originally meant to be a song, and I may still put music to it (I had a melody ready and everything, but I lost interest in it, as usual with songs I try to write). But anyway, yeah, my writing is struggling. Maybe I’ll have a breakthrough soon, hopefully. I want to write something shocking you know?…lol. I’ll see what happens.

 

 

Pathetic writing, I tried

       Some things I’ve been working on…..I haven’t decided on titles just yet. After each dot is a separate entire piece, but the first two were actually written together before I split them up to be their own. The final one is probably my favorite of these, since it’s not so personal. I’ve been numb lately, which may explain why I don’t care for the lyrics to the song I wrote, because it is personal and none of it matters to me right now for whatever reason.   

Night falls, I come along

And wander sometime behind the moon

Then lay upon the clouds of dark noon.

They sing to me,

The wrong.

 

So calm they leave my sickened self

These quiet glooms so close to death

A distant dying draws a streak

Before it fades,

I string a dream.

 

*

More present than the angels

Without their sea of wings,

Twinkling, or

 

Are they threatening to die?

Heaven cannot collect itself;

Daybreak does not belie.

 

I am awake in this other world

To feel the shadows breathe.

A night spirit glows,

 

Released

To speak, and weep with me,

Over eternity

 

* 

Sweet world

With your sunlight and fluffy skies

Summer haze and low star December afternoons

Your poor, polluted pools, rivers, small veins

 

Dying slow, random lonely thrills of anger

Your hurricanes and ruinous waves

Your heat in bolt and flames

Hello, yes, I know. Death is only when.

 

Dropped from a silent God

Fear, as unseen, his savage universal theme

Is housed in darkness, kissed and cold

The blue star’s ailing thunder soul

 

 

 

 

Dried blood, my circumstances, weak, helplessness

           I have been so right all along. I am supposed to swallow my anxiety and fear and pretend it’s not what rips me apart inside for ever moment I still breathe. Because there is no cure for social anxiety. The rest of the world considers this disorder a joke I’m sure, but it’s not so light to deal with. It’s caused severe depression and a complete feeling of desperation, of being trapped. I should make it clear how it is in my head.

I can not and do not want to get a job because I WOULD RATHER DIE FIRST. Literally. The interviewing, the pathetic resume I haven’t bothered writing down, the lying I am no good at…where does it leave me? It leaves me starving in the end.

My circumstances are ones that have delayed and continue to stall any progress. I can’t drive, have no work experience and an unfavorable personality. I am that person with social anxiety who has one person in my everyday support circle, my mother, and unfotunately, she doesn’t understand how much it breaks me in dealing with this. I put off learning to drive because I knew my family couldn’t handle the financial burden at the time to send both me and my twin brother through student driving courses. So, I passed and let my brother go first, and I waited until I am now too old to take the same course. I stalled in looking for a first time job because I knew my options would be limited. I would have had to work either at a fast food place or be a cashier somewhere. I feared the situation then and I fear it now, more than ever, because my time is running out.

CB therapy was alright at first. It eased my depression along with the pills, but I let go of all that. I don’t want to talk anymore to people who cannot do anything to genuinely change the circumstances of my life. No one can do that, and they shouldn’t. I don’t want a life, so it’s not neccessary for anyone to try. Oh, and I’ll not forget to metion the near $200 bill the fucking insurance company is sticking me with. They’ve changed how they charge patients for mental health services, and it doesn’t favor the patient, of course.

I could change my degree to Graphic Design and go through another year of courses with a half heart and weak motivation, and it won’t change the circumstances. I’ll still be in this house, without a licence, without work experience. I am shutting down and it’s clear from the numbness. It is deadness now, complete lifelessness.

If I don’t kill myself, what will society do with me in such a state? There’s nothing in life I want that would make it worth the hell of being forced to ‘face my fear’ and anxiety of social situations, day after day after day. It isn’t right, but neither is lying to myself.

Sick

 

 

Unprepared; the world says I have to want to be.

Haven’t the angels seen my desperate screams?

God, put me to sleep,

 Forget my promises you keep

 

If I could only cleanse or clip away the wrong in me

Chain and whip the numb and all excesses I perceive

But selfish me, lazy me, so lazy I’ve stopped eating

 

In a horrid, bloody daze where I fearfully envision

That my guilt ridden cuts could never be made deep enough

There are new wounds for each day my death

Runs over due.

  

This is a summary I guess, of the last two or three major entries here I’ve made. The running thoughts, and blank numb moments I am trying to make sense of right now.

 

Poem titled “Leave Me”

 

Cheap in my silence

Unraveled and desire-less

My hopeless despondence

Existence of somnolence

 

Dreams of a sickened mind

Where all is blood and death

When pain keeps the soul alive

I yearn, the safe of darkness

 

A dearly met impulsive sting

For a moments honest peace

Leave me in this daze.

Leave me spilled beneath my blade.

 

 

The art page/slide is updated now: fifty five images total, not including the one above yet.   

 

I think it’s got to be more than just social anxiety now. I’ve gotten too comfortable with avoidance and I don’t think I can change how I feel about it. Avoiding social interaction just keeps the pain and distress low. I like being alone over being around others, but I know as well as anyone else that it can not be this way forever. Anyway, I’ve gone numb and it’s hard to write again. How many pathetic times will I say that….

 

A favorite song…

 This is a beautiful Evanescence acoustic performance of “Lithium” (more than a year old, I believe). Isn’t it funny how small things like songs can get you through so much when you are attached? I remember in ‘06 when The Open Door came out, I was hooked, and perfectly distracted with the new piano tracks from the album I wanted to learn and play. Anyway, this was one of those songs I listened to often because it turned out that at the time I was set in believing exactly what the lyrics talk about, equating happiness to numbness and preferring sorrow over that feeling. So when I heard this song, I felt very understood to a point.