Finally, sharing some of the songs I’ve talked about having written :) I selected my top picks here; the one’s I could bear the thought of others actually hearing. I have a lot of embarrassment when it comes to my singing ability and lyric writing that I’d like to over come one day.
I use a small Olympus digital recorder which I string around my neck, so be sure there is nothing fancy or intricate about these recordings, I just play them over and over again until they are as close to how I want them. The lyrics/music aren’t in the normal song format I guess, but are more like poems I just wrote with music or included afterwards. Just like with the art and poems, the music is something else I use to better understand and cope with my thoughts or things I might be going through. I always feel better after sitting at my piano and playing these songs. They might not be easy to relate to or very good, but it’s all honest and that matters to me more.
Anyway, I share just about everything I spend my time on in this blog and the music shouldn’t be an exception. So, maybe there’s something you’ll like and maybe not, but either way thank you for listening.
There is a direct link below the lyrics to that particular song which will open in a new window/tab to a similar player as the one I’ve put for the first song. Too many players on this page took forever to load so I’ve settled with just links…
————————————————————————————-
I will take a chance here with sharing an earlier one, probably the third or fourth song I wrote where the music came first and I wrote the lyrics to fit how the sound felt to me. Years later I revised the lyrics and added the closing lines, and did numerous recordings with the piano since the original was recorded with my old keyboard. Always a challenge to keep my voice steady, I tried my best.
Hoping (2008-Revised)
Hoping despite myself
“Suffer a little longer for me” They say
And in silence I remain
Resigned—there is no life within as I fade
Cold and heartless inside
Here I don’t survive
There’s a fear of my fear
They’re afraid of my pain
And they watched me unmoving
As my will began to break
Every purpose I could find
Has fallen dead from the sky
It won’t be long now
Far upon the endless night
For the nothingness beyond all light
Listen for the sigh,
It won’t be long now
—
http://www.box.com/s/5duuqvhpuseebpgky51g
————————————————————————————-
The quick piano bit during the versus of this song were a challenge to sing over but once I got the parts down I found it really fun to play.
All You Mean (2011)
Forgive me
You’re not as good as you could be
I try to dream for you, to believe for you
But I can’t see my way through
Another wall I’ve walked into
The fragment I’ve become is of no use
How can I expect you to save me?
You don’t know what you are; you don’t know what I need
Are you listening?
Whispers of chaos creep close between
And rest beneath
Waiting for the fall from the heights we climb
So tall in their pride,
Taken wrong over right
How can I expect you to save me?
You don’t know what you are; you don’t know what I need
How can I expect you to save me?
You don’t know what you are; you don’t know what you mean…
—
http://www.box.com/s/1ciqg4j8rzo903ieezc5
————————————————————————————-
This one I think sounds better towards the end. There is another written version that is a full poem. I just reworked it for lyrics.
Severed (2011)
My face,
The fist pressed against
I feel the tear heavy and slow flow down my wrist
Denied again,
I split open and resent all I once loved
Always thrown against this wall
Always thrashed upon this ground
My patient breaths have long bled from the page
I’m far too finished to fear
Failure or care about shame
I have my way of letting go
I won’t leave time for you to know
Shade my soul black sun
Find your way to suffocate me
I have had enough
—
http://www.box.com/s/cdzg0xx9evfvqhhau93c
————————————————————————————-
Tried to write something a little more hopeful here…lol The music came first so I wrote the lyrics with the different parts in mind, but it came together easily. The real work was figuring out how to sing it through without getting light headed/losing my breath before the end, which rarely happened before recording this one.
When I Go (2011)
Speak if it bleeds it out
I am here listening
Here to see what you can’t see
Reminding you to believe in the light
I try to help you fight and
Convince you that you’ll be alright
But honestly it is not so
A promise not a promise, the sore beneath my hope
What will become of you when I must go?
Here for the longest time
I saw your edges in the night
I’ve made peace with every single thing you hide
The things you try, the ways you lie
If not for me there would be no one else
Of all I would save you from
It can never be you from yourself
The breath I would forever keep my hold
A promise not a promise
The sore beneath my hope
What will become of you when I must let go?
—
http://www.box.com/s/rtp6tqph16rijachncr6
————————————————————————————-
Another poem I decided to put to music. Not thrilled with the recording, but that’s honestly the case with everything. It’s different and was a relief to work on at the time. I really needed a distraction.
Lone (2011)
I know I said I would make it
Somehow I would get by and
Wake up again with the sunrise
The days it doesn’t feels so wrong to try
But less often now do I remember why I
Cared so much to compromise
I recognize your hue
You’ll understand then fade from view
The truth I’ve uncovered leaves our world without a sky
You can’t follow me and there is no where left to hide
No treasure rests at the heart of my memories
I have learned to look at them and feel nothing
It’s no longer within me to grieve
One more loss among so many
You are better off left behind
—
http://www.box.com/s/6mcp052hud6c3e02ifsf
————————————————————————————-
My favorite thing about this recording is how unplanned it was. I played/sang this song a different way each time while trying to figure out how I wanted it to sound but decided to keep one of those demo versions since it seemed to get across the exact feeling I’d been trying for. Originally titled “Reason Without” and written as a longer poem, I thought just the first half fit best as lyrics.
Sense (2011)
You don’t know, but I have tried before
I have seen up close the open door
The meaning is a reason without
To find your own when you don’t know how
It wasn’t just about something
And you know, I am about no one
Made soulless, stolen by this need
Forever woken from the tired way you breathe
Nothing good can come from me; I can’t fix what I’ve done
Or believe in who I was to be
The lie is not enough
It always says cover up
Create the face, wash off the blood
I’ve failed to keep within your grace
I’ve failed your light; I’ve failed your strength
I burn beneath your eye in shame and I won’t know your love
I can’t be forgiven
—
http://www.box.com/s/1nvyl39e06o10vqdi0sa
————————————————————————————-
I just sat down one day and started writing lyrics to the music of this song on the spot. Some frustrating thoughts were on my mind and I just went with it…I apologize for my throat scratching like that at the start. I couldn’t fix that from happening no matter how many tries.
No Way Out (2011)
Don’t say his name
He won’t save me now
And I’m not asking for faith
I know there is no way out alive
This edge must never move
For all I’ve done, for all I do
The edge must never move
I have a plan, I know my shame
I show my face
Sharpen the blade
You can’t save me now
There is not way out
They fear the lost once dark has fallen
All we want is peace, a breath of ease
We all want never to need
Here, a thin line between us and the other side…
But the shades of night are far more kind
And lifeless is far more mine
I find my place
I dig my grave
You can’t save me now
I know there is no way out alive
—
http://www.box.com/s/c6b559b5f439533a7adc
————————————————————————————-
Another short song where the music was more improvised towards the end. I was still throwing around ideas, but liked how the unplanned and loose play of it turned out better and decided to leave it as is.
A Fallen Fray (2011)
These acts of hate are out of pain from within me
From my meaning of you
From what I am, from what I say
It’s all the same…
And I want for a way to empty myself
To rest from where I’ve been
Fragile is my hope for a way to understand
Don’t wait for me
Not even my own heart do I believe is on my side
And I want for a way to empty myself
To rest from where I’ve been
—
http://www.box.com/s/ag7f92b7ll66z5he8co4
————————————————————————————-
Lots of words here and I think they’re my longest set of lyrics. For that reason, the music itself is simpler when I sing to it versus the instrumental. The lyrics were written from having some thoughts about the subject of a song I’d come across at the time which I could relate to. The recording is only the third or fourth attempt at this particular arrangement. I liked the imperfections enough (except the very very end) to not spend another week over-thinking it.
Here at the End (2011)
Won’t you be around to know?
See what rests in my hands and beg me to let go
For once don’t leave
Follow me and be here to know these corners of my mind
Find all there is to find— plenty of lies, a fortune of risk
Nothing more I’m with here at the end
It’s wrong I’ve been so long in wait wondering what I need
But the constant pain creates a way from my mistakes and grief
You are beauty and blessed
And I, the sick and desperate
Every bridge you have crossed I have fallen from
You move on, you always overcome
And only those who have gone know how strong I am this weak
Where I’ve been, what I’ve seen, the dying that I dream
The sacrifice I’m made to give for what kind of life?
What kind of gift?
I am not to be saved; I am not to know love
Your leaving is all I’m deserving of
Breathless way I still believe…still asking, still need
Where is rest? Where is solace? When will I be free?
Far from a time of fear and grey
Welcomed to the cold by my darkest faith
No way out is what I’m told
And in my heart I’ve always known I am no one to miss
And I hardly exist here,
At the end
—
http://www.box.com/s/i6vm0nz1jkydee0vfi6t
————————————————————————————-
The idea for this song came to me when I was humming some random tune one morning. Then I strung some words here and there and had the first verse in no time. The rest of the lyrics took some weeks on and off to finish, but I had a lot of fun just recording it a bunch of times…lol The arrangement was different from what I’d done before and I liked the change.
The Shadows (2011)
They are calling you from here
The light falls away from your eyes
You don’t intend to fight
You are for the other side
And you would leave me without warning or the chance to say goodbye
I understand why
No one can save you this time
These whispers peel away our sky
An honest view with nowhere else to hide
Spun and spilled over the rim
So much you are left without
But I know what you have found
Fearless and far from doubt
Fully convinced by the promises your loyalties allow
You’ve taken their vow
Blood fills and drips from your mouth
You’ve immersed yourself in everything they are about
Shamelessly, their lies you recite
Crowned by the shadows with flame to ignite the way
You confess and betray the weight and restraints
In death the memories take flight
As the silence breaks you from this life
—
http://www.box.com/s/qf0fe89dvpsq5vr8f5r7
————————————————————————————-
I had the music for this song for many months and didn’t think I’d write lyrics. But when I decided to write them, they truly poured out. I pretty much left them in that raw state. With singing, I really pushed how far my voice would go and know I didn’t do every note perfectly, but I still wanted to share it. I’d felt I was in a much better state of mind as I worked on this one, and certainly after having completed it.
Shed Light (2011)
There is no getting by
I can’t close up a piece so unwoven
I’ve lost time
And have no place in words in which to hide
I know of no way to make this right
I can’t ignore how much was pulled away
So far from and with no trace
And I have no choice but to stay
To either die or die for my mistake
Never thought it could pass
How I didn’t know I broke open and out of control
Why couldn’t I see? In need enough – a reach in all directions
No matter their light they are of worth
Certain as worse becomes ruin
To believe you do better when you hurt
When the bleed and burn are the only
Things left that seem to work
Bringing peace, to feel anything but nothing just to breathe
For whatever it still means
I’m for the ending – drained with all wants and
Weakened for change
—
http://www.box.com/s/tstmc9e3jmbu8ykjdd1n
————————————————————————————-
I shared these lyrics in a post back in August, explaining “For whatever reason it’s as if I wrote this from the perspective of a guardian or an angel type of thing, someone witnessing but set apart in a way that leaves them not really able to know or see the truth.” The music came first. Not a perfect recording, but the best I could do at the time.
All We Expect of Hope (2011)
More should be done
You’ve had enough space
Your lifts in darkness and desperate escapes
With enough slips of your blade
You’ve had enough time spent getting your way
And where have the rest of us gone?
With our wings and eyes full of light – we are so set apart
And no one to witness,
No one was there to mark your fall
To hear as you heard the moment death began to call
And oh how you’ve listened…
How fiercely you’ve latched on and taken off with the shade
From the waste of patience, beyond risk and wrong
Leaving behind the place you’ve always known you don’t belong
And we stood still, hearts of a weightless fill
Swollen with all we expect of hope
But there is no better than what is
No more than what’s already been given
And you say love is no reason to stay
You, our broken promise – without chance, without change
We couldn’t keep you safe
Far above, lost to the sun,
We gave you up
—
http://www.box.com/s/mqijiqvzeaqa26uxd95n
————————————————————————————-
This is one of my favorite songs. The lyrics were written when I thought I was finished with therapy/treatment and felt I’d given all I could, but it still wasn’t enough. So, “Attempt after attempt” speaks to more than one thing and the break in the middle was a last minute addition I thought was necessary.
What More? (Sept.2011)
The end of the end
I will admit I’ve been impatient
Attempt after attempt
To bend until broken
And let’s not pretend I’m not ruined
I’m ruined, but I have tried my best
I don’t dream, I don’t imagine
In mind all is grey, all is cold
All has fallen gone
I wait to die
I’m tired…so tired
What more do you want from me?
When I’ve never been able to want
Or love anything fully enough
The life I waste for all I haven’t done
A change will never come
Though little I care to survive
However it matters, it happens, I get by
What more do you want from me?
What more do I have to be?
When I’m right where I belong?
Here behind my brick wall, so tall
Thrown against again and again
How has it not killed me yet?
Attempt after attempt…
I’ve tried my best
What more do you want from me?
How soulless do I have to be?
—
http://www.box.com/s/8azf45b595iu6gh9qvg6
————————————————————————————-
The music was my main focus with this one. It’s more intricate than it sounds on this recording and was the most challenging to sing with while still remembering lyrics and correct notes. I was going to give up the lyrics after a lot of messy recordings, but somehow managed a decent one. The lyrics have a lot to do with the difficulty of trying again after so much failure, rising above the ruin. Not believing you have a reason to for how alone/empty you are. But by the end, accepting this is always how it happens–I rise again anyway.
When I Get Over (Nov 2011)
A lightless eye
The shadow side of consequence
Keep me here
Leave me as I am
When I get over
When I bleed in
I won’t let the sun rise again
For night and the endless sleep
Wishing I’d never been…
I will darken through
And beneath the memory will rest a heartless truth
All along my way was marked
I’ve known what I must do
Although it won’t mean enough
I won’t turn away from or let go of what I’ve done
I won’t rise above what I’ve become
So alone and still somehow not my own
I don’t forget we only get what we’ve given
For the years I went numb in disguise
Questioning why, wishing I’d
Never been
When I get over
When I finally bleed in
When I get over
I rise again…
—
http://www.box.com/s/ett1zvrf7qtisbg7teql
————————————————————————————-
For this song, with the lyrics I’m talking about a separate side of myself when I say “she”. This cruel side where I don’t allow kindness to sink in or allow the belief I have something of worth or deserve recognition. But in the end I guess it’s really about an escape from that loneliness and isolation- even if it’s all just a trick of my mind. I at least have to be on my own side if the worst in me won’t allow anyone else in- an idea along those lines. The music I wanted to sound more hopeful and comforting, my intention for the sound overall really.
Together We Go (Jan 2012)
Don’t even think so
She’ll never sign for it
Though it would make the difference
Your sickened heart might make it one more day
But the unkindness of her is cruel and sure
And she would never sign it over for you
She’ll lend nothing to help you make it through
And for the best, you must agree
Only worthy in your weakness
Overtaken, held down and hollowed out
More for every moment of hell endured
Be made better, my love…Quiet now your screams
Truth again is surfacing
Close your eyes, remember me
I’ve promised you peace
When all fear has bled and the need removed
I will follow through
When cold and lone be the given light,
Love for life never be known
Together we await a dream all our own
A found place far beneath
We drift the way of fallen wings
This secret of my keep
This secret of me
Together we go
Together we find home
—
http://www.box.com/s/31vvlf23jvq5x2rk0szc
————————————————————————————-
A poem I put to an older piano arrangement. It was written about the way I started to consider how those around me couldn’t accept or love me the way I am; that love is only possible in however they’d like to remember me or the way they wish I could have been had things been different. It hits on other issues, but those thoughts were the spark.
Decide the Memory
Broken deepens from the surface.
With one more hit
In pieces the face will fall away.
Though burdened, whatever I can I
Pick up again and try
No matter how long I’ve been without time
And you love me enough to let me lie.
Just follow along – I should be fine…
Knowing just what goes on, but
You don’t see it in my eyes…
And don’t listen,
Yet if you are to hear the heavy sigh
You must love me enough to pass me by,
And don’t worry, it will never feel right,
But understand, where I rest
Has long been within sight.
Accept me and decide the memory
You can love enough
To let me die.
—
https://www.box.com/s/fc0e0d8d7dd92a45ec36
————————————————————————————-
This is my first song recorded with guitar. The lyrics are a written poem about something I was going through regarding therapy and feelings of abandonment/loss I was trying to cope with at the time.
Parting
“You’ve gotten all you can” he said.
“And now we are at end.”
But tell me, is it your faith or does it just make sense?
When I walk away does it mean everything will have been fixed?
Or maybe we’ve gone as far as I can reach
Little further beyond is complete silence…
Or maybe you keep from me a more simple truth –
You’ve gotten all you can from me and we have to be through
So how could I mention I’ve fallen from the sky?
How could I admit I still needed more time?
What a waste I’ve been…but you won’t see it bleed my eye
And I still love the other side
And you spill the rest of life in me
Once we’ve said goodbye.
—
