Counting…
I figured taking strange pictures like this would help the feeling go away. But this was taken about two weeks ago, and it’s still with me. I want to slip further. For the past week I’ve taken 200mg, and for a time I was doing alright. Numb as can be, but it wasn’t bothering me. But now the apathy is weighing me down, and I’m thinking about suicide for no other reason than to end my pointless existence. Do I make a little sense?
I actually think it’s more the medication than anything. I don’t know why it is that I’m just now finding out about ”apathy syndrome”, but apparently it’s an effect that can happen in some cases when anti-depressants are taken for long-term treatment. And increasing the dose (as I’ve been doing) will likely worsen the feeling (from what I’ve read)
So, I will make an appointment with my doctor and tell him I want to wean myself off this medication. I don’t care if the depression comes back or if my anxiety worsens at this point. I don’t want to risk taking any other kind of anti-depressant because I don’t want to deal with the unpredictable symptoms again. And I especially don’t want to take the chance getting one that causes weight gain (the Zoloft actually caused weight lose for me).
That’s about it. I’d rather die than feel this way forever; unable to care, and without any motivation– except to break out of it somehow, to hurt.
I’ll take 150mg tonight, then 100mg tomorrow night and then I’ll make an appointment with the doc to get a liquid form of the drug or something so that it’ll be easier to lower the dose…or something like that. Taking this medication is the only kind of ‘help’ I have left and I’m choosing to let it go. I’m not making very much out of my life, and I no longer feel my attempts at staying well are working or deserved.
August 4, 2009 at 5:11 pm
Of course you deserve a chance, you more than anyone. It makes me sad to hear you sounding this way, I guess because I understand it as well as anyone could, and I know that there’s nothing that can be said that’s going to make everything better. Feeling nothing is a curse, and at times it seems to me that I only live because my motivation to die is forged in emotion and can’t be tapped into when I’m so cold about everything. But yet I want to die more than ever during those times because I feel so completely pointless and blank. I go back and forth and I confess that I hardly understand it anymore. But it will pass, it must pass. Nothing is forever.
I hope that you do experiment with your doses. Just be very careful, alright? Don’t overdo it, but take it slow, as horrible as that may seem. You will make it, I know you will. It will pass…. I’ll say it a hundred times, because it is true. Apathy blinds you to everything, and it can make even the beautiful things seem dull and pointless. It’s evil that way. But they are still there, you know they are, even if you’re stuck in the dark for a time and have to go on memory alone. Just remember.
I’m sorry I can’t say more. Unfortunately I’m running late. But I’ll be thinking about you.
That picture is perfect. It really is, if you can say something like that about such a thing. The shadows, I don’t know…something about it. I hope you’ll send it to me.