Might as well let it go, with no shame.
I have another appointment tomorrow with my therapist. Now feels like the time to tell the truth. I’m getting up everyday feeling as if it’s all being done for everyone else. I put on a face for others, I pretend I have a plan- for others, I’m even acting like I want to get a job and be completely out on my own. It’s all a big lie. I don’t want tomorrow to come. Sometimes I’ll be staring off in a daze of disbelief that I actually have to endure more hours, more days.
I don’t really want to bother with making life goals, or with trying to survive as a part if this society. I want to disappear from it. It’s been clear that the few things I have a bit of care for aren’t enough to keep me motivated when I feel like giving up.
I started posting on a social anxiety support forum, the only thing about it is that we are not allowed to discuss suicide (feelings, thoughts, none of that) and so I’m thinking about leaving that site now. I’ve only been there for what-three days, but I figure if I can’t even talk about what’s constantly on my mind, what use it is to me?
Who cares anyway; we’ll never be fixed. The emptiness and cold has gotten to me, and today just feels like one where I wish the world would just end already.
March 24, 2009 at 9:24 pm
I know it’s getting very old, but I hear where you’re coming from. It’s the same thing I think when I get up every morning: “Oh look, I didn’t die while I was sleeping, how unfortunate”. It’s sad that life can have so many wonderful things to it that are postively drowned out by society, by its ideals. The ones that the people here adore so much….
I feel like a waste sometimes because I know that I have no drive. I don’t honestly care where I end up, because in all truthfulness, most days I’d prefer to not be here. It seems like there is nothing worthwhile that I want to strive for or accomplish. I think the main problem is that we are raised to think that if we don’t want something we must have something wrong with us. The only reason they want you to have goals is so that everything keeps working. Society works because it is connected and contributions from all ends of the spectrum keep the wheels turning. That’s why people frown down on those of us who don’t have stupid pipedreams, because to them we’re just something to tow along in their ridiculous pursuit of the American dream with the mansions and the 30 cars.
That’s funny that you went to a forum; I did the same thing a couple of days ago. I was thinking about joining one for depression, then I realized that I’m not going to get to talk about what I want to talk about. Not only that, but the only way people seem to want to talk to you is if you run around screaming that you’re going to kill yourself. I’m always more quiet about that part.
I realize none of this is helpful. It’s just me saying the same old things, which I’m sorry for. But if you want to talk about something dark that other people don’t want you to talk about—you know I’m here. I’m not scared of speaking of those things, and I would never run off and tell somebody or judge you for it. I mean it, I really want you to know that I’m always around for you. Not for anybody else, just you.