A Bad Ending
Today was a pretty bad day.
We were practicing at making phone calls this afternoon in class with a partner and I was so embarrassed by the whole thing. I did try to complete the assignment but when the instructor focused her attention on me and my group partner, I was surprised at how quickly I fell apart. Crying, and my breathing went out of control…She was pushing me and when you know how bad you already are at something, other people pushing at you and criticizing makes it so much harder. An intense feeling of embarrassment and failure overwhelmed me and I decided to leave the room, twice actually. I came back once thinking I could get through the rest of the assignment, you know, put on a face and say what I was supposed to say. But the feeling over came me again, and I left a second time.
And while I was out of the classroom I was thinking about giving up on my efforts to even try to finish the course and get a job. Besides social anxiety, its the depression and self worth issues always there waiting to mess me up. To have fallen apart as I did in class today….It just felt like a nightmare had come true.
I guess I’m waiting for someone to tell me I’m a fool for going to school to work at a job that requires so much contact with other people; talking on the phone-greeting visitors, stranger after stranger…I’m terrified, honestly. I thought about not coming back after what occurred today. It just doesn’t seem as if anything will get better. I’m stressing already, and I’m not even half way into the course…
March 18, 2009 at 12:12 am
I’m sorry. Believe me, I can really relate to how you felt. You don’t know how many times in my psych class I just wanted to walk out when we had to talk about depression.
If it makes you feel any better, I don’t even answer the phone in my own house; I hate to, actually. I don’t blame you for getting overwhelmed. I want you to know that there is absolutely nothing wrong with needing to take a break or walk away sometimes. You can’t expect yourself to be perfect; you can only do your best and try to pull yourself through. I wish I could help. The only thing I can really say is get practice.
I know you live in the city, so I’m wondering if it would be possible for you to walk to a store? Maybe a Walmart or something, or a grocery store. Somewhere where there are a lot of people and you might have to strike up a conversation. What I’m saying is this: practice. You can do this. You just need to get used to it, you know? I can’t say it will ever be pleasant, but if you do something again and again it loses a lot of its unexpectedness. It’s like driving: the more I did it, the less it got me wound up. It is still tense, but I can do it if I really try. You get what I mean? So try interacting with people. What’s great about a store or something is that you can leave at any time with virtually no consequence. You get uncomfortable, you just walk right out, no problem.
I know that might seem undoable, or too much trouble, but I think it could really help you. I know that the longer I stay away from town, the worse my anxiety gets when I have to go back again. Maybe try going “shopping” for something you like? Is there a store you like to go to or something, or something you like to look at? You don’t even have to buy anything, but maybe by doing something enjoyable it will take a small bit of the focus off of anxiety while you at the same time, interact. If that means asking someone to get something down for you (my greatest fear ever…haha), or going up to the counter if you do find something you like. Or even talking to other customers. Anyway, I hope this is at least somewhat helpful.
I really want to see you make it. This is your chance, you know? It’s not the only one, mind you, but you’ve gotten into it. I believe you can finish, even if it is very rough. But you know too that I would always support you if you couldn’t, but I just want you to know that I think you can do it if you just fight the anxiety and go with it. I think you have the potential to surprise yourself.
March 19, 2009 at 7:03 pm
I really want to say something that would make a difference here but I think I have issues giving advice. I realize that it is hard to talk to people but there has to be something. Maybe imagining you are talking to your friends, or that counting thing. Think about something that makes you happy and begin with small talk of other like minded individuals. You love art and are pretty good at, you can begin talking to others like yourself. I think you will do wonderful and please don’t give up….